Celebrity Zoo: Commentary on
Starring: Da Brat, Christopher Knight, Joanie Lauer, Verne Troyer, Jane Wiedlin, Marcus Schenkenberg, Adrianne Curry
1: Nobody Puts Mini-Me in A Corner, Except Himself
Episode 5 - 2/13/05
Today's issue of The Surreal Times reveals that the celebs will be forced to pitch a TV show idea to VH1 executives, in hopes of achieving a spin-off in the tradition of Brigitte's and Flav's Strange Love. Dare to dream. While most of the housemates joke about their ideas and brainstorm together, Da Brat sequesters herself in order to concentrate. Joanie invites her best friend Missy Cunningham to pitch with her. I seem to remember her sitting around the campfire crying about having no friends, but now she's got a plastic freakazoid by her side. They seem well-matched. Jane goes to the meeting wearing a strange corset with a men's shirt and tie, and she pitches "Monkey Mountain" - a show about her interacting with nature in her South American home. The VH1 execs seem to feel it would be a better fit for Animal Planet. Chris pitches "Celebrity Chariot Racing", wanting to put his fellow celebs in harm's way. Verne and Marcus pitch an incomprehensible idea - some combination of a news and awards show - to the befuddled execs. Da Brat pitches "Brutally Honest", a show that would allow her to criticize people harshly while giving them makeovers. When asked by an exec to be brutally honest, she tells him one of his ears is larger than the other. Roger Ebert wishes he were so critical. Adrianne pitches "Beauty and the Brady", or "Strange Unrequited Love." She wants two weeks to get Chris to fall in love with her. The execs point out she has had a week to do that now and doesn't seem to be getting too far. Joanie and Missy pitch "Maneater", their version of "Jackass", involving such unfunny pranks as "Steal the Shopping Cart from the Homeless Person." The execs look slightly afraid for their lives. Later, the execs call the house to reveal that Da Brat has won the contest and will get a chance to develop her show. I'd sign up to be a contestant but I fear with her high-powered perception, she might notice that my second toe is longer than my big toe. The show ends with Adrianne and Joanie doing what they do best - getting drunk. Nobody is amused, least of all Chris. He questions Adrianne's motives for being affectionate toward him, and Adrianne pouts. I'm questioning why he doesn't just accept the supermodel booty while he can get it. Didn't he learn anything from Greg? You know Johnny Bravo would be all over her like fleas on Tiger.
The gimmick for this week's show
demonstrates that The Surreal Life producers are running out
of interesting things to make these celebrities do - funny things like
babysitting or running diners, things a run-of-the-mill celebrity wouldn't
be seen doing. Pitching shows - eh - whatever. Jane shows her wonderfully
weird side with "Monkey Mountain. Celebrity in the Wild. Celebrity
Survivor. Christopher's pitch is oddball - "Celebrity Chariot Racing."
It's possible he's mocking the process. Verne and Marcus put their heads
together for the inane variety-awards concept for TV clips from the past
week, a veritable dressed-up Talk Soup. Adrianne foolishly suggests
a love story called "Beauty and the Brady" where she will try
to snare Chris. Chris calls the concept ludicrous, hurting Adrianne's
fragile feelings. Those who suggest chariot racing shouldn't cast stones.
Joanie brings her attention-whore friend Missy to pitch with her. In this
pair, Missy is the dominant and Joanie the submissive Missy-clone. It's
disturbing to see the ball buster turn into a shadow so easily. Their
pitch was adolescent and their concept borderline-offensive - cart-jacking
the homeless and other "fun stuff." Da Brat won with a concept
appropriate to her personality - "Brutally Honest" - where she
goes around telling people what for. It was clear she took the task the
most seriously, and Chris even called her the most centered. Adrianne,
upset over Chris' reaction to her love, gets drunk. Chris tries to give
her a pep talk. Da Brat tries a preview of "Brutally Honest"
on her. Adrianne ends up "crying real hard" in the bathroom.
Everyone agrees she's immature. I would add delusional and annoying.
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