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Celebrity Zoo: Celebrity Fit Club,
Season 3

Sad fat celebrities

Starring: Tempestt Bledsoe, Jeff Conaway, Countess Vaughn, Bruce Vilanch, Kelly LeBrock, Young M.C., Chastity Bono, and Bizarre

Week One: Off to a Waddling Start (1/1/03)
Week Two: Grease Burns (1/8/06)
Week Three: Volkslauf: It isn’t a German Beer (1/15/06)
Week Four: Bellies Round Like Zorbs (1/22/06)
Week Five: Surf's Up, and so is Countess' weight (1/29/06)
Week Six: You Never Forget How to Ride a Tricycle (2/12/06)
Week Seven: Grease Stains (2/19/06)

Week Seven


Day 89: Tonight's episode begins with the not-so-shocking revelation that Countess has actually gained 2 pounds! It now seems likely she will be the only fit clubber in history to go away from the show heavier than when she joined. A sharp contrast to Countess is boy scout Gunnar, who cheerily shows up at 7am for his boot camp challenge with Harvey. He seems to seek the approval from Harvey that he never got from his mother, who (we've been told over and over) lacked the mother gene. Gunnar gets through the challenge pretty well and again exceeds his weight loss target. I would like to suggest that Gunnar be brought back for the next season of Fat Club and given the chance to keep losing weight until he disappears into nothingness.

Bruce supplies most of this episode's comedic relief. First he visits Atlanta on tour (we're never told what he's touring with, but I'm guessing Hairspray) and meets up with Biz who takes him out shopping for hip hop gear. Bruce in a Falcons jersey and sideways cap is a sight to behold. Next, he visits his mother in Florida, and she is quite a character - diminutive, with a throaty smoker's voice. We learn that she has been badgering Bruce to lose weight all his life. He doesn't seem to blame her the way Gunnar blames his mother, but rather comes to realize that she only did that because she was concerned about his health. They hit the flea market together and we learn where Bruce gets his many dumb T-shirts.

We learn that Kelly and Gunnar joined Harvey for the 5K charity run. This is an especially big deal for Kelly as she's never run a mile before. Kelly points out that she no longer has a belly despite her team name being Kelly's Bellies. We can now expect that she will be exposing even more flesh. She shows up at the weigh-in with her boobs nearly falling out of her dress and again expresses chagrin that men have started looking at her again. Tip for Kelly - go cover those boobs with one of Bruce's flea market T-shirts - men will never look at you again!

Chas and Young M.C. are disappointments this week, as neither loses weight. Chas wears a sports coat she must have bought at the Big and Tall Men’s Store. Chas does distinguish herself during the team building challenge, where she has to climb a rope wall tower and face her fears from her failure at the Volkslauf. She makes it, and so does Countess after a mini nervous breakdown. Countess is talked through her trauma by Kelly and Dr. P, who completely over-rejoices in an unconvincing over-emotional way when Countess dismounts. I notice that the team building did not involve a "trust fall" type challenge where a team member falls backward and is caught by their team. I guess Biz and Bruce are still too heavy for that sort of thing to work.

Tempestt is taken to "laughter yoga" by Harvey and manages to crack a smile. I think this is the most ridiculous form of exercise I've ever seen but I guess I will add repeated viewings of Kath and Kim and Office Space to my workout regimen, since we're told a good laugh burns 3 calories.

The climax of tonight's episode is the return of Jeff, straight outa rehab. From the looks of things, they should have kept him longer. He starts out babbling about how he realized God was testing him with the drug addiction. God sure has been busy with the cast of Taxi - making Danny Devito so short and giving Andy Kaufman cancer. He then admits he had a problem but promptly un-admits it by whipping out the Benadryl box and reading the warning that says "may cause drowsiness." The good doctor points out that drowsiness is not the same thing as slurred speech and general confusion but Jeff stares at him blankly. Chas looks on in horror and declares that Jeff still hasn't gotten it, but that she hopes he will.

The giant scales reveal both teams are tied! Break out the fat-free popcorn - it's sure to be an exciting finale.


Reports are circulating on the web that Jeff successfully completed rehab. What does this mean exactly? His robotic talking the talk of rehab sounds most unconvincing. As Chastity said, it was tempting to root for him…until he started talking. This is one screwed-up individual. It makes me yearn for the days of relatively healthy dysfunctional celebrities without a clue…like Corey Feldman. Ah…the innocence of celebrity reality TV in 2003.

I, too, was annoyed by the melodramatic embrace between Walden and the cocker spaniel, Dr. P., when Countess completed her challenge, as well as the melodramatic voice-over treatment of Countess’ “personal problems.” Luckily for Chastity’s team, Countess gains two pounds again this week. Gunnar loses 3 pounds, hits his target weight, and insists he should lose another 4 pounds – “the healthy way, I promise!” The fact that he has to vocalize this condition is quite disturbing.

Who knew Bruce’s mother was Harvey Fierstein? Bruce loses another 4 pounds and appears more confident and the same could be said for Bizarre, who loses five pounds. Kelly loses 4 pounds. Tempestt loses 6. Chastity and M.C. lose no pounds, which is more of a surprise concerning M.C., who had been losing consistently up to this point. We can only figure Gunnar has sabotaged his morale.

Jeff’s return was painful to watch. The celebrities looked stiff and uncomfortable through-out his The Good Lord’s speech. Jeff attempted to flatter his former cohorts before his exit but he did not hug them or address them individually before walking out. Ant was quick to suggest that Jeff might have been full of shit and Chastity officially concurred.

Coolia's rankings: 2/19/06

  1. Biz - continues to lose weight and to charm everyone.
  2. Bruce - takes good care of his mother, who adores him.
  3. Kelly - gets points for running the 5k with harvey and gunnar, even if she does let her boobs hang out again.
  4. Chas - confronts her fears to climb the rope wall again, leads her team well, but she might climb better if she unstrapped her fake penis.
  5. Young M.C. - didn't do much, didn't lose weight this week, but didn't annoy.
  6. Tempestt - I laughed seeing her laugh her way through laughter yoga - and she did lose some weight this week.
  7. Countess - she's hopeless. Kelly may not give up on her, but I have.
  8. Gunnar - I know I should give him some credit for doing the boot camp thing and the 5K run, but I dont want to.
  9. Jeff - still denying the benadryl thing and now suddenly a jesus freak! god help us!

Nerdia’s rankings: 2/19/06

  1. Biz – Lookin good, Biz!!
  2. Kelly – I give her leadership points this week…for re-climbing the rope ladder with Countess and for invoking the Motherhood Motivation which could have enabled Countess to lift a Monte Carlo.
  3. Bruce – Made me laugh hard with his joke about his Bizarre-clone duds, “Now I’m ready to be beaten by an LA cop.” His made his weight loss inspiring with tidbits like he can now cross his leg and fly in a plane without a seat-belt extension.
  4. Chastity – She gets caught with all the great reaction shots: worry, nervousness, disbelief, disgust, satisfaction. She runs the gamut.
  5. Young M.C. – Not given much time…maybe he’s too normal for this show.
  6. Tempestt – Still scowling but at least she’s doing what she came to do. Her monologues at the weigh-in are bizarre…she congratulates herself for persevering when people are “railing on you.” Who’s railing on her exactly?
  7. Countess –Is she lying about keeping up with the fit club regimen or just dense?
  8. Gunnar – Gunnar would probably be gun-ho for a slap in the face from Walden; and for that he gets a Marine Corp coin. This makes Kelly, Gunnar, and Walden cry.
  9. Dr. P. - The whole gift of the mirror to Countess was a horrid and ineffectual pop-psychology prop. If I hear her call one more person Sweetheart, a vein will snap in my head.
  10. Jeff - $40 on the death-pool…anyone? That’s mean. Shame on me.

Read more Celebrity Zoo reviews

How do you feel about the celebrity fat epidemic? Please refrain from dropping any Jeff Conaway sympathy in our forum. Many thanks.



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