Day 43: Thankfully, Dr. Papadopoulos is gone, off somewhere
winning a major award "for her outstanding work." This made
all of us watching laugh in unison. No one on the show cracked a smile.
This week's challenge is to run a golf course in hamster
tubes without any sides (it's
a zorb not a zurf, Ant). Gunnar and Countess are very enthusiastic,
but Tempestt looks bored. Their reward for winning: two weeks of yoga
instruction and some exercise apparel. Bruce had to sit out due to his
health peril, so Young M.C. had to hamster the race twice (which has been
done in past seasons when some lame celebrity didn't show up for fit camp).
It's never fair - good thing the prizes are so lame or you'd have whiny
celebrities. Of course, Young M.C. collapses and Ebony Flame loses. The
experience induces M.C. to say the F-word a lot.
Video vignettes include:
Bizarre goes home to Detroit where homeys tempt him
with fried foods and hot dogs. Which is just ignerent. Purveying attitudes
of hatin' on intelligence and good health in this country is stupefying.
It's no surprise, Biz doesn't lose weight this week. He also didn't
fill out his exercise and food diary either. And he won't accept Harvey's
challenge to work out on the spot to show his commitment because he's
"not gonna be made a mockery of." Uh...did I miss something?
I learned a new ghetto phrase this week: "I aint wanna do that."
I'm going to try that out at work.
Bruce gets his stress test at Cedars Sinai. Bruce loses
seven pounds this week and has everyone on their feet cheering, including
Harvey who says it "made his doggone day" that Bruce bought
an elliptical machine.
Countess is counseled by Dr. Papadopoulos for being
separated from her husband. We see no actual counseling going on, just
Dr. Papadopoulos dragging out the story and eliciting tears from Countess.
Maybe all that helpful direction was edited out. Countess blames her
woes on rushing into relationships and loving too hard. Zen
and the Art of Falling in Love talks about this relationship
problem and recommends loving a little less, just in order to learn
how to get love in return better. This may sound wacky but it's better
than anything Dr. Papadopoulos said in this episode. Countess gains
two more pounds, thereby taking her team farther in the wrong direction.
She claims she has been too sad to eat. Harvey recommends she work up
a sweat to release her stress.
Tempestt visits a casting director and gives the "I
just gotta be me" speech. She says she won't straighten her hair
and hates to hear that she should lose weight. In her defense, it baffles
me that in our current pro-hip-hop culture that black gals can't be
hefty with fros. If not now, when? However, Tempestt's attitude is so
off-putting. She's so full of herself. There's a difference between
being too proud and having self-respect. Harvey gives her his DVD as
a workout aid and she leaves it on her chair - so disrespectful, Stormy
Cosby Girl. She does lose five pounds but who cares.
The Rest of the Weigh-ins:
Kelly renamed her team Kelly's Bellies. Cute, but I still
feel Bizarre must have been out-voted. Kelly got to go to a spa for being
so swift at the Volkslauf. She wears another inappropriate dress for the
weigh-in. I wonder if these are all Oscar dresses she saved up and never
used. She loses five pounds and admits she cheated once with a piece of
flourless chocolate cake, eaten to kick start her metabolism. It seems
she's gone all vigilante on her diet. The diet guru, Dr. Smith, doesn't
recommend her tactic or reprimand her, which is infuriating. (He does
disparage this type of metabolism manipulation in his book The
Take Control Diet, which I've just received in the mail. More
about this interesting and informative book next column.)
Now that Kelly is motivated by her success, Harvey gives
her a measly three pounds to lose. I just don't get it. Kelly claims to
be a good team leader, calling in and checking on everyone, but I don't
feel a sense of team cohesion.
Gunnar harped on his mother's treatment of him again in
this episode and said she was "missing the mother gene" which
is so strong a statement it just sounds vengeful. Take the upper road,
man. Chas ain't complaining this much and her Dad voted against gay issues
in Congress. Gunnar loses five pounds, which is not surprising considering
he seems obsessed by the child-star demon (see Danny
Bonaduce). He says it's a good thing to eliminate wheat and dairy
but then admits he's had two liposuctions for love handles. Dr. Smith
says this is somewhat extreme and Gunnar retorts that he was "encultured"
by Hollywood to expect a lot of results without a lot of work. He then
complains that other contestants don't appreciate the gift of the show
and that Harvey could push them harder. I hope Harvey turns the screws
on Gunnar next week. Harvey gives the 5K challenge he once made with M.C.
to Gunnar. This made me feel bad for M.C. - he's being dumped for bad
shins.
Speaking of M.C., up to this point, he has lost 22 pounds
in 28 days. He loses five more pounds.
Chastity stays the same weight which makes her say the
F-word really loud. She has cut down on her smoking, from 20 to 8 a day.
Harvey says "I have faith in you, grasshopper."
The pounds shed score is now Ebony Flame 51; Kelly's Bellies
45.
Coolia:
When it comes to gay Hollywood Squares icons, I would have always
picked Paul Lynde over Bruce Villanch. So it surprises me that I'm liking
Bruce so much on this show. Over the past two weeks he's dropped a lot
of his schtick and also dropped some pounds. Unlike the other stars, he
doesn't come up with excuses, personal crises, or any other reason why
he can't lose weight. When he was judged unfit for some of the boot camp
exercises, he found an exercise that worked for him - he stripped off
his trademark T-shirt and got in the pool with the old broads for water
aerobics. I'm rooting for Bruce, although I think he could spend more
time getting to know his teammates and cheering them on. He's a bit aloof.
Harvey is another revelation. I had thought all he was capable of was
Full Metal Jacket bullying. Here he shows his tender side, encouraging
Chas to buck up when she hasn't lost any weight. I have a theory on why
Chas isn't losing weight. I think Elijah Blue sneaks into her condo at
night and feeds her McDonald's shakes through an IV. That's the kind of
stuff bratty little half-brothers do.
This was a pretty ho-hum episode, except for Countess'
revelations that she is going through a divorce. Given that news and the
fact that she's barely overweight, the show should give her a Jeff-Conaway-style
hall pass. The other drama came from Bizarre's chili dog binge - when
in Detroit, eat as the Detroitians eat. Harvey admonished Biz and questioned
his commitment, urging him to leap onto to an exercise bike right at the
weigh-in. Biz seemed to overreact, saying that Harvey was mocking him.
I'm not sure what's such a big deal about 20 minutes on the exercise bike.
Was he wearing Timberlands instead of Nikes?
Gunnar and Tempestt continue to add nothing to the show but annoyance.
Tempestt goes to a casting director who tells her there aren't many roles
for fat gals. What a revelation! I had no idea. Gunnar admits to having
liposuction. I guess they couldn't turn the hose on his face. How many
nuts are you carrying in there, little chipmunk Nelson?
Coolia's rankings (1/22/06)
Bruce - He lost a surprising amount of weight.
Harvey - I like the kinder, gentler Harvey - he seems
more human.
Young M.C. - still likeable and now losing weight at
a normal rate.
Chastity - I feel for her but the drama is getting
to be too much - I wish she'd stop beating herself up.
Kelly - she lost weight and proved to be a capable
leader.
Countess - I'm glad she opened up about her divorce.
Clearly, she has bigger things on her mind than the size of her thighs
right now.
Tempestt - Her flirtations with Harvey make my blood
run cold. I'm not feelin' it.
Bizarre - slipped on his diet and was unnecessarily
hostile to Harvey over the exercise bike challenge.
Gunnar - He's even more annoying than he was in his
brief moment of fame in the 80s.
Nerdia's Rankings (1/22/06)
Bruce - I find everyone's enthusiasm for Bruce infectious.
Young M.C. - I feel sorry for M.C. this week. He was
used and abused.
Chastity - Chas acted surprised when Countess laid
out her woes which caused her to gain two pounds. As team leader, she
should've been over at Countess' house telling her men are freak pigs.
Kelly - Good trick with the flourless chocolate cake..or
was it?
Countess - She should be winning the weight-loss challenges
as revenge. She's instead wallowing in her victim-hood.
Bizarre - Real friends are like Eminem - they want
you to live long and well. Beware of fat killaz bearing cheese dogs.
Your fear of looking foolish makes you look foolish. But you've still
got that killah-cute smile.
Gunnar - You need to be super-glued to a zorb and left
there for 24 hours until you've learned not to be so self-obsessed.
Tempestt - Too much disrespect for others. Demands
too much respect she does not earn.
