Celebrity Zoo: Celebrity Fit Club,
Starring: Tempestt Bledsoe, Jeff Conaway, Countess
Vaughn, Bruce Vilanch, Kelly LeBrock, Young M.C., Chastity Bono, and Bizarre
Week One: Off to a Waddling
Sixteen days later…the fat celebs are back, fussing and a-feuding as they walk-in. Jeff Conaway shouts down Kelly LeBrock, shows off his man-boobs, and acts like a loaded imbecile. The rest of the cast and crew appear exasperated. They have to “restart the reality” two or three times. Then Jeff throws his shoes across the room, goes back on the scale/stage to collect them and continues to rant in his socks, mostly about his hard childhood, including his gory suicide attempt at three years of age. The utterly annoying psychologist, Dr. Papadopoulos, (who cocks her head helplessly and looks too melodramatically distraught for someone who is trained to see this type of thing day-to-day), and the one-note drill instructor, Harvey Walden, try to intervene with Jeff but only Ant and Chastity can shut him up: Ant by playing the soothing host, Chastity by confronting Jeff with his substance abuse. Clearly this chick knows the abusers lingo. At one point, Coolia asked if this is an episode of Celebrity Fit Club or Intervention.
The previous day at the kayaking challenge (which Chastity’s team, Ebony Fame – named for a team of black & gay members – won), Jeff could barely talk or walk. This coupled with the fact that Bizarre missed his flight that morning, served to cripple Jeff’s own team, named Greased Lightning (which just makes you think the other three team-mates were probably unwilling prisoners at his Name-The-Team meeting). Jeff claimed he only took two Benedryl; but no one else on the show or in our little audience found that excuse credible. Little about Jeff Conaway seems very credible as a matter of fact and his scene stealing theatrics are dragging the show down.
The first light moment occurs as Chastity is called up to weigh in and she laughs a laugh that relieves the discomfort the group feels. Chastity’s mad leadership skillz are starting to come through. We find she has previously invited her team-mates for some water aerobics in her pool. She says she wants everyone to do well and feel like a team. I scan the footage furiously for a Cher-inspired wall sconce or incense burner. Even a chain-mail lamp shade. But you can barely make out house walls with all the fast camera work in the pool. Instead, we see way too much jiggling, underwater Vilanch ass.
I am getting frustrated that not many of the exercise or diet tips are making airtime, unlike the many eons of Jeff drama. We only find out in a fleeting onscreen footnote that most of the show members are trying out a vegan (meatless) Fat Smash Diet soon-to-be-published by the show’s diet counselor, Dr. Ian Smith.
To their credit, everyone on the show makes their weight target except for Jeff Conaway. Chastity loses 8 lbs, Young M.C.loses a whopping 14 lbs., Kelly loses 7, Bizarre (who gets a sober grocery shopping lesson because he doesn’t know the difference between a fruit and a vegetable) loses 9 lbs with the loving support of his mother who diets and works out with him, Countess loses her target of 4 lbs. and is given the added incentive of a sexy photo shoot if she hits her final target. Bruce (who quips that he took two Ben & Jerry’s before he came) loses 8 lbs, and Tempestt loses her target 5 lbs.
It’s beginning to disturb me that the Countess is so preoccupied with sex appeal. Her every move is a saunter and she flirts with the camera too much. I have the feeling that no amount of body alteration will make her feel sexy enough.
Chastity team wins the weeks challenge losing a total
of 34 lbs and Greased Lightning loses a total of 21 lbs. However, Chastity
team had the benefit of two determined players, Chastity and Young M.C.
And so far even Countess and Bruce are “pulling their weight.”
Jeff’s team was undone this week by no big losers and one big loser.
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