Home | Blog | Advice | Books | Features | Food | Games & Quizzes | Holidays | Media Morph | Movies | Music | Poetry
Requiems | Store | Television | Travel | About Us | Archive


Web www.apeculture.com   

Celebrity Zoo: Celebrity Fit Club,
Season 3

Sad fat celebrities

Starring: Tempestt Bledsoe, Jeff Conaway, Countess Vaughn, Bruce Vilanch, Kelly LeBrock, Young M.C., Chastity Bono, and Bizarre

Week One: Off to a Waddling Start (1/1/03)
Week Two: Grease Burns (1/8/06)
Week Three: Volkslauf: It isn’t a German Beer (1/15/06)
Week Four: Bellies Round Like Zorbs (1/22/06)
Week Five: Surf's Up, and so is Countess' weight (1/29/06)
Week Six: You Never Forget How to Ride a Tricycle (2/12/06)
Week Seven: Grease Stains (2/19/06)

Week Six


Day 70: Well, the much-ballyhooed team swap turned out to be pretty anti-climactic. Unlike American Idol, where I rarely ever predict who will be voted off, I easily guessed that Countess and Tempestt would be switching sides. Countess is likeable but she's been gaining rather than losing, much to her teammates' chagrin. Tempestt is just a bitch - who wants to deal with her? Fewer angry words were exchanged over the rejections than one would expect.

The team bicycling challenge had some interesting revelations. Countess had never ridden a bike before - isn't it child abuse if parents don't give their kids a bike? Biz showed determination, coming back after his asthma attack to do another lap. And as usual it didn't really matter how hard the others worked because "one-of-these-things-is-not-like-the-others" Gunnar will always perform at a high enough level to ensure victory for his team. These exercises need to be calibrated the way the giant scales are calibrated. Ant should yell out, "Calibrate the exercises!" Gunnar should be forced to bicycle 10 extra laps or to run a race in a sack if the others are running on foot. Chastity whines that they'll never win a challenge against Gunnar. Perhaps she should watch the scene in Mommie Dearest where Joan beats Christina in a swimming race for the umpteenth time and declares: "Tina, I'm bigger, I'm stronger, and I will always beat you." Then smart Tina pipes up to say "Then I'm not gonna play with you anymore!" Chas, you can always forsake these challenges and stick to your ninjitsu.

Gunnar loses more points with his peers during the weigh-in, when he lifts his shirt and says, "Look, ma, I've got abs! I've never had abs before." The teammates exchange "Can you believe this guy??" looks. They are still busy trying to see their feet and he's seeing his abs pop out. For some mystifying reason, he's given a weight loss goal of 2 pounds, although he's already achieved his goal. Maybe the judges hope he'll disappear like we do.

Ms. P, the therapist with the heart of gold, makes a poor fashion choice for the weigh-in, sporting a black turtleneck that blends into the background so that she looks like a floating sympathetic head. At other times, she looks like a mime.

Young M.C. loses more weight and gets closer to his goal of being the biggest loser in the history of Fat Club! Bruce is the only star not to lose weight this week, but he can be forgiven because he was "on the road." At this point, it would have been helpful if the experts could have provided us with tips for eating healthy and working out while traveling, but that would make the show helpful rather than sensational.

I enjoyed the peek into Chastity's home life, during which her galpal Jennifer prepared a turkey burger for her. As she tried to choke down the lettuce-wrapped burger, Chas' face said it all - dieting ain't no fun. I was less impressed with the look into Kelly's life on the ranch, where she packs more into her day than Martha Stewart does. We see Kelly preparing a fatty quiche for her family that she can't eat. We see her mucking stalls. I kept thinking life in the dojo with creepy Steven Seagal must have been easier. I'm sure she would have had people to do this stuff for her then.

I am afraid to watch the return of Jeff Conaway next week. Calibrate the strait jacket!


At least this week’s challenge was a prize worth some arm-pit stains: a few days at Le Meridien hotel, complete with spa services. I agree with Coolia about the underwhelming Vote Off. This was an unfortunate week to vote Countess off however because she had the aids of dieticians and trainers to help her lose 2 pounds. Oh and the colonic helped, as well, she said. TOO MUCH INFORMATION!!

Countess and Bruce claimed they made a suicide pact to vote each other off; Chastity and M.C. claimed it was just a numbers game voting Countess off. Countess claimed to still love them but later when suggesting that she was looking forward to Kelly LeBrock’s discipline, Chastity piped up “And I’m a softie!?” and Countess retorted, “She did vote me off.” But there seem to be no legitimately hard feelings.

Tempestt voted to remove Gunnar to the other team with the lame suggestion that this would help even out the playing field for the challenges. The rest of the team voted her off unanimously without much commentary. Truly, Gunnar was insufferable again this week with his I am the recruit/you are the master ass-kissings. Happily Harvey called his bluff and pressured him into getting a hair cut. “That’s not a marine cut!” Coolia yelled; but his displeasure was evident. The floating head of Dr. P. asked “How are you feeling?” anyway because that’s all she seems to know how to do. When Kelly LeBrock complained that her diet was affecting her sexual appetite, the floating head of Dr. P. advised her to try a new position. TOO MUCH INFORMATION!

Bruce got to see his computer-generated slimmer self and the show gave him his own three-wheelie bike. Bizarre boxed under the tutelage of boxing trainer Marshal Davis before sparing with a girl. As if boxing a chick isn’t embarrassing enough, she wore pink gloves. Bizarre lost four pounds this week and broke the 300 barrier.

Kelly’s Bellies pushed ahead this week, losing 14 pounds for a total of 73. Ebony Flame lost 10 for a total of 72.

Coolia's rankings: 2/12/06

  1. Young M.C. - He radiates positive energy consistently and seems very down to earth.
  2. Bizarre - He put a lot of effort into the boxing workout, although he stopped short of drinking raw eggs.
  3. Chas - She works hard in the team challenges but doesn't seem to drive her team as well as Kelly.
  4. Bruce - Although he didn't lose any weight this week, he wins points for his funny (for once) t-shirt: "Stressed spelled backward is Desserts."
  5. Kelly - I still wish she'd put her boobs away and her supermom home video was a bit much.
  6. Countess - She lost a couple pounds, putting her back at her starting weight, but she still whines too much.
  7. Tempestt - She looks miserable and we feel miserable watching her look and act miserable.
  8. Gunnar - His body dysmorphic syndrome is tiresome and he worried way too much about the Marine haircut, which was hardly a change.

Nerdia’s rankings: 2/12/06

  1. Young M.C. – Your pleasant temperament is downright heroic in this town. Please start kicking Gunnar’s ass.
  2. Bizarre – I was really impressed yet again by your cutie-pie smile and the fact that you waddled back to the bike after your asthma attack. I just wanna give you a hug!
  3. Chastity – Good underdog speech – we’re so there. But start cracking the whip on those puppies.
  4. Bruce – inoffensive this week. But didn’t stand out either.
  5. Countess – I know you’re going through a lot; I want to like you – I really do.
  6. Kelly – Again with the cleavage baring outfits! Wear overalls like a real farmer.
  7. Tempestt – Your lethal combination is double B: bitchy and boring.
  8. Gunnar: Ant has even taken to calling you a boy scout. I hope the Marines next week give you a wedgie.


Read more Celebrity Zoo reviews

How do you feel about the celebrity fat epidemic? Please refrain from dropping any Jeff Conaway sympathy in our forum. Many thanks.



Ape Culture and all associated pages are
ŠApe Culture 1998-2007 and evermore.

Click here to learn about
the Ape editors' book

Check out the Ape Blog for the latest Ape Culture News and Reviews

Amazon Honor System Click Here to Pay Learn More

Free Greeting Cards from Bravenet
Retrieving an Ape Card?
Enter Card Pick-up ID below: