Nerdia: We open with celebrities grooming. They're
being told they have to do a talent show. Manny isn't into the talent
show like he was into camping. That's unfortunate. Manny and Vince are
upset but Jerri is getting with the program. She is full of tough chick
love as usual. Coolia: Vince doesn't want to be a buffoon. Nerdia: Too late. Coolia: Funny he didn't feel that way when he made the "looks
that kill" video dressed like a caveman. Nerdia: Celebs hit the street to peddle tickets. Manny is acting
like he thinks he's above selling tickets to his own talent show. He's
losing points this week. Coolia: This is degrading. Nerdia: Vince is losing points for being lame about the talent
show and sulking. Coolia: Brande's dog didnt sell any tickets. Nerdia: Lame ass dog! Coolia: Jerri plans to do spoken word. "Jerri outdoes jewel
at poem rodeo." Why cant Corey sing his own song? Isn't that his
"talent"? Nerdia: Manny is whining...I hate whining. Poor Vince having to
put up with Corey and his attempts at collaboration. Coolia: Next week are they going to make the celebrities eat bull
testicles and praying mantises? Vince is really in a bad mood. Nerdia: Corey on phone to wife: "I'm planning a wedding here...I'm
planning the rest of my LIFE!" Coolia: Corey: "This is my WORK!" Oh, what a tough
job, Corey--would you rather be assembling egg mcmuffins? (see
Week 2) Nerdia: Corey: "You're having way too much attitude with me."
I'm sure Dr. Phil would not approve of this relationship exchange. Nerdia: Hey, Hammer is havin fun! He created a character...how
cute. And Vince is feeling paternal with the other acts. That's better. Coolia: Did Brande pack that cheerleader outfit imagining some
role playing scenario with Vince? Nerdia: I saw that outfit in a sex shop in Las Vegas. Coolia: Look at that serious corey face while he sings! Nerdia: He's in some weird dream world of his own hero-hood. Coolia: This is the seal show at the celebrity zoo. Nerdia: Is Vince gonna jump thru a ring of fire for a fish? Coolia: Manny is going to balance on his nose and clap his feet
together. Nerdia: Is the secret talent show host bob barker? Coolia: Lets make a deal..with SATAN!...It's monte hall. Nerdia: Okay...Brande gets points for effort. Coolia: Is she perhaps drawing on a stripping past for this performance? Nerdia: Corey' s plugging his album "in stores now". Coolia: Vince is losing points with me for being bored and a bit
arrogant. Nerdia: Corey's performance is painful. Coolia: Corey wouldn't pass the audition for american idol. Nerdia: Monte is petting Manny...that's offensive. Nerdia: Was that all from Hammer? Okay...they only had a few hours
to put something together...I have to keep remembering that. No...that
was just disappointing. But look - Manny is into the show now. Coolia: Manny got that outfit from sean john kids at bloomingdales. Nerdia: See Manny! it was fun! Judy and Mickey knew what
it was all about! Coolia: Vince stands off by himself a lot. Nerdia: The girls as beatniks! Funny. Jerri's funny! Coolia: That made me LOL. Sign her up for dodge
fest. Nerdia: Vince is entertaining. Good thing he was the finale. The
parents loved him! Coolia: It's family entertainment. Nerdia: Vince is thrilled to win the bedroom and the playstation.
His threshold for pleasure has plummeted since he's been here for three
days. How could the celebs have not known about the bedroom upstairs.
Didn't they explore the house when they arrived?? "Hey...who
knew this house had a second story?" Coolia: Funny that the two with the worst attitudes about the talent
show did the best. It's like a brady
bunch moral or something. Nerdia: Okay, stop being so happy Vince...you were the only professional
stage performer...it was like shooting fish in a barrel. Coolia: What about mc hammer and his world tours?? Corey has done
club tours with his band. Nerdia: Hammer is rusty....obviously...he thought that wig would
carry him. Corey...maybe I should have said Vince was the only charismatic
professional performer. Jerri moves up to my top spot this week for
her funniness. Coolia: I was going to drop vince down, but then he did a great
job with the song. Nerdia: Brande moves up a bit for being a good sport and planning
ahead with her cheerleader outfit packing. Vince was too thrilled to win
after complaining so much, which makes me think he was just afraid of
losing or looking bad. Coolia: He wasn't gloating...he sounded truly happy talking to
his girlfriend. Based on the first 15 minutes he would have plummeted
to #2, but then he had a big comeback!! Nerdia: You are vincewashed. Coolia: You just picked Jerri because she's a poet. Nerdia: If it was just about the performance, we could rent his
videos...it's about the day-to-day attitude. Jerri mocked beat poets!
She was practically dissin' poets with her mockery. I liked her because
she was funny. Coolia: I have been honest in each commentary about my pro-Vince
bias. Maybe Vince will fall next week when he behaves like a drunk
asshole in Vegas. Nerdia: Manny fell off the tiny pedestal I put him on last week. Coolia: And not by laughing either, but an absence of humor.
Ape Culture Weekly Ranking (from least to most annoying)
Brande Roderick (virtual tie with Gabrielle)
Jerri moves to the top spot for me this week for her foray
into beat poet spoofery. She calls it Spoken Word, though, like she's
an aspiring Henry Rollins. Gabrielle and Brande rolled with the punches
and fared well. Hammer was a disappointment this episode. I miss his manic
sermons and Corey-checks. But Vince and Manny both dropped significantly
due to their negative attitudes and constant whinings. Vince did help
the other celebrities put together their bits and yes, both Vince and
Manny did show a change of heart when they hit the stage and as it became
apparent they were indeed winning. But that's not good enough. Maybe Manny
had a reason to worry about spontaneous acts of entertainment as he is
trying to get a show biz career jumpstarted. Maybe he feared being exposed
as a talentless fraud, as we all do. All the celebs were probably concerned
about flopping on national TV. That's understandable. But aren't we all
tired of the over-polished, over-produced, over-packaged crap anyway.
I found Vince's claims about quality control and wanting to be "professional"
disingenuous considering Motley Cruë is supposed to be all about
"who gives a shit". I was hoping for more of that laid back
"who gives a shit" from him. Kudos to Corey for maintaining
his annoying streak. Although he was into the show from the get-go, he
was still an overbearing asshole to his girlfriend, we hope soon-not-to-be
wife. I'm becoming very suspicious about Corey. Isn't it funny how many
of the wacky tasks put to these celebrities seem, in theory, advantageous
to him. Examples: A) his wedding planned for the last episode and B) him
getting to showcase his music on national TV. Things that make the other
celebs cringe seem to be golden opportunities for him. Isn't that odd?
It's almost like the show might be based on some Corey Feldman outline.
We think he's one of the celebrity zoo victims, wide-eyed and innocent,
but really the joke's on the little celebrity gang - Corey has been masterminding
the whole plot all along and will eventually limp away smirking in the
last episode like Kevin Spacey's
Verbal in The Usual Suspects, as we run down the street yelling
like Chazz Palminteri
with a collage of Kobayashi and Corey Feldman's leather shoes flashing
through our heads. Ha ha ha!
Vince came perilously close to dropping from the top spot
for the first time in my rankings, but he redeemed himself by singing
"The Surreal Life Blues." He showed talent as well
as self-deprecating humor (Corey - take notes!). I'm surprised I'm liking
Jerri so much, because I did watch most of Outback Survivor and
came out of it feeling that she was a bitch. Maybe they edited her character
to appear that way, or maybe she's just mellowed out since returning to
this hemisphere. She's smart and funny--no wonder Manny was so smitten
in the luxury tent last week! Hammer again was too manic and unfunny for
me, and Manny whined too much. Gab was dorky, but a good sport, much like
her 90210 character. Brande went from being just there, to being
just there in a cheerleader outfit. Nerdia's theory on Coreygate seems
plausible, however it will only backfire on him. I don't think this show
is going to drive anybody to buy his CD or see him in a club. We can barely
stand to spend 30 minutes in our living rooms with him for free. Meanwhile,
a check of Corey Haim's official website shows he is not only selling
autographs, but private online chat time. Can dial-a-song with Corey Feldman
be far away?
Which cast member is aggravating your soul? Who would you like to see
kicked off and who would you replace them with? Please share.
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