Ape Culture - Surreal Life 2003 Review

Starring: MC Hammer, Emmanuel Lewis, Brande Roderick,
Corey Feldman, Gabrielle Carteris, Vince Neil, & Jerri Manthey

Because the show The Surreal Life (airing Thursdays on the WB) sparked such a animated dialogue between the editors, Ape Culture has decided to do a weekly commentary.

Nerdia: Yo coolia
Coolia: Yo nerdia
Nerdia: Vince is waking peeps up. why is Vince getting up so early?? Corey has no hair on his chest.
Coolia: His body looks sorta prepubescent. Vince rules! So says The Surreal Life Gazette. They are flying them to Vegas on a cheapy airline. Gab’s going to wear the white suit again. Her wardrobe is limited.
Nerdia: She didn’t pack as well as brande who brought a cheerleader outfit. Why do they even bother UNpacking. Vince is going wild on the bus driver. Fuckin this, fucking that.
Coolia: Fuck you, you fucking fuck.
Nerdia: Now he's threatening the camera man. Corey saying “jump down my throat!” is so 80s.
Coolia: Hammer's funny…“corey had to have a tantrum cuz vince did”. More celebrity zoo – tourists gawking at them in the casino
On Vince's plans to meet up with his girlfriend...
Nerdia: Look at Vince’s girlfriend Lia, she has huge lips and other huge things.
Coolia: Look at those fake boobs. She’s taller than him. She kinda looks like a she-he.
Nerdia: Sorry Corey…crying by the pool. I feel bad for him.
Coolia: Vince reiterated jerry's statement from Episode 2 that corey would be voted off if this was Survivor.
Nerdia: Corey is a lost little guy.
Coolia: A lost boy? This hotel is where Real World Vegas was filmed...Surreal World Meets Real World. Manny says all deadpan: “There's always a manny sandwich on the dance floor.” Corey talks things through with Gab. “You want to heal the hurt child in me?” Then he has the nerve to say that Gab tried to analyze him?
Nerdia: Gabrielle is kind of unyielding.
Coolia: Codependence personified – Corey and Suzi. Corey: “I’m not happy ‘cuz you’re not here.” Corey thinks gab is phony and hollywood?
Nerdia: He's a projector. Manny and hammer...such good boys…opting for burgers instead of booze or strippers.
Coolia: Hammer is obsessed with the common people.
Nerdia: Why is gabrielle uncomfortable with male strippers in her face but not naked women on sushi platters?
Coolia: Gab is a prude.
Nerdia: Hammer is always trying to be entertaining; it is kind of annoying. Maybe gab is really gay if she thinks male strippers are skanky but naked sushi woman is tasteful? Is that a double standard?
Coolia: Jerri should have said, “Gab, please don’t make us be wrong.”
Nerdia: Hammer: “the love relationship with my fans.” Ick.
Coolia: Manny dances like morris day.
Nerdia: Vince's drunkenness makes me LOL.
Coolia: They cut out the preview scene where vince tells some woman to get the fuck away from him, the one they’ve shown in commercials all week.
Nerdia: Oh yeah...that would have been good to see.
Coolia: Vince did the vegas thing...he got his booze on. i don’t understand why they flew them to vegas and made them take the bus back to LA. Even Vince's prayers are bitter.
Nerdia: What hammer just said was nice and profound. “At the end of the day you want to be in the same place as your daughter"...so that is an interesting way of telling Vince he still believes in some kind of heaven.
Coolia: Hammer is really going to move up for me this week (i mean it).
Nerdia: Sure! I'm from Missouri remember. I'll believe it when you show me.
Coolia: i thought you were from the land of enchantment. i have to show you and enchant you?
Nerdia: i was born in enchantment, raised by show-me-ness. I'm like Vince. I've prayed for hammer to raise up in your ratings over and over and I've given up on praying for that now.
Coolia: Poor vince. He has sad eyes.
Nerdia: this is a very pretty church.
Coolia: it looks fun.
Nerdia: wow! look at that choir. that's awesome!
Coolia: This conversion scene makes me uncomfortable. i don’t think it’s right to put vince on the spot.
Nerdia: it's making me uncomfortable.
Coolia: he's crying. But are they all really crying or acting?
Coolia: the preacher is good. “we'll understand it better by and by”. i’m getting teary-eyed too. “heaven celebrates when one comes home”.
Nerdia: that's nice. Gospel churches have a better command of the heart language...know what I mean? the rhythms of emotional language and putting gusto behind it.
Coolia: Gab is really crying because she's a mom. Next week: brande needs a man…back to our regular scheduled shallowness. Wasn’t this a great one? the best episode yet.
Nerdia: that was a great one.
Nerdia: In my rankings this week, hammer is back on top and Gabrielle is on the bottom.
Coolia: Come on, you can’t put her below corey?
Nerdia: Corey was awful...it's true, but she was really unbearable. she deserves honorary last place this week. Corey is a perpetual child. She's like the older sibling who is getting in trouble with me because “you should know better, Gab!”
Coolia: i almost put hammer over vince…it’s very close.
Nerdia: Vince is invince-able in your eyes. I am resisting his rock star charms. I have rock star charm-armor. I got it when I played Dungeons and Dragons once.
Coolia: That’s why we call you nerdia. Vince nearly dropped for yelling at the bus driver and for having a transvestite girlfriend. The drunkenness, i didn’t mind at all...in fact, i encourage it!
Nerdia: He could barely form syllables. I'm-b drunk-b.
Coolia: That’s ok. that's what vegas was built for.
Nerdia: You can be drunk and eloquent. you can be drunk and debonair. you can be drunk and sloppy. Vince would be the latter. They made vince go to church while he probably still had a hangover. he was weak, prime pickins for Christians.
Coolia: This is the man who gave us "shout at the devil"
Nerdia: How do you really feel about hammer this episode?
Coolia: His silliness in the burger joint was kind of annoying. i don’t like that sort of manic energy. And, at first i thought it was wrong of him to "out" vince like that.
Nerdia: He's just gettin’ silly with God.
Coolia: But then he said some really wise, non-preachy stuff. and i think he did a good thing for vince and brought the whole gang closer. Are you sure you're going to keep gab below corey?
Nerdia: Yes...as a punishment and and an example to us all. Corey's only honest moment on the show so far has been that bawling episode during dinner.
Coolia: You're a hard woman.
Nerdia: She's as blind to her true nature as he is...she's just less annoying most of the time.
Coolia: She's holier than thou, just like she was on 90210. She seems just like her character. Manny has probably the most to be bitter about but he’s not bitter at all.
Nerdia: No...‘cause he can dance.
Coolia: He's got stunted growth and still looks 12, except fat.
Nerdia: Vince and manny have been dealt bum cards for sure. I'm not sure what corey's past is...he keeps alluding to hard times.
Coolia: Corey had a drug problem, as well as a Michael Jackson problem. Vince brought some of his pain on himself, such as driving drunk and killing his friend and fellow rocker Razzle in the accident.
Nerdia: And he's still getting drunk. he stopped praying but didn't stop drinking.
Coolia: Well, neither did leif garrett. quitting is hard.
Nerdia: It is, but he can do it. Nathan Lane sings "You can dooo it." This reminds me...hard cider is on sale this week. I should run to the store.
Coolia: Ok, but don’t drink and drive and kill any members of Hanoi Rocks in the process.

This episode was a real emotional roller coaster. I continue to be impressed by Vince, even if he did falter a bit in this episode by getting totally wasted and showing off a porn-star-lookin' girlfriend. This girl is probably the only unreal thing about him these days--not much left on her that's real. The other star of this show, Hammer, demonstrated more restraint than usual and true compassion toward Vince. I don't think Vince will be attending regular services and rockin' out with that AME choir, but I do think he had a "moment." Corey continues to be the villain of the show, desperately seeking attention and demonstrating that although he was emancipated as a teenager, he is still very much a child. Brande and Jerri haven't been allowed to shine, really, and I look forward to Brande being the focus of next week's show. Gab's mothering is really getting old, as is her white suit. I would like to see Hammer get Manny to break down. He's so quiet and serene (except when he's laughing). I think deep down, he's got to have some of Vince's and Corey's bitterness, given that he still looks like a kid and hasn't grown any taller. Maybe Corey and Manny can bond by revealing what really happened on those sleepovers with Michael Jackson. Come on, Manny, lay your pain on us. We'll heal you with a Manny Sandwich!

Hammer redeemed himself for me this episode with his reaching out to Vince. I'm impressed by his very unpreachy, one-on-one preaching style. Vince is hard not to like, I admit, and he only slips behind Hammer this week because of his bus-driver harassment and boring blubbery drunkenness. He proves how impatient celebrities can be to the peoples paid to shuttle them around. Jerri and Brande are a virtual tie this week as well. They seemed like they could be two fun girlfriends to hang out with, except that they're both too pretty and I would feel like an alien or orgre if I were to hang with them. Manny was nothing more than a chick magnet this episode. I wasn't too impressed. Like Coolia, I would like to see a breakthrough with him. But Corey-Gabrielle-gate, I found this very disturbing. Corey moving up to the 6th slot is a big upset in my rankings but Gab really bothered me this episode. Corey was still annoying and he bated Gab time and time again, it's true - but her falling for it, plus her emotional over-reaction over the male strippers (coupled with the fact she was an adamant supporter of dinner on a naked woman) shows she is all over the map on principles and very full of drama, herself. I felt knee jerk sympathy for Corey. I couldn't help it. Everybody else is resisting Corey's annoyingness. Gab's inability to do so is not only a weakness but a significant departure from the "uber-adult" image of herself she is trying to pull over on us. And that annoys me more than anything else can.

Which cast member is aggravating your soul? Who would you like to see kicked off and who would you replace them with? Please share.