Celebrity Zoo: Commentary on
Starring: Brigitte Nielsen; Flavor Flav; Ryan Starr; Dave Coulier; Jordan Knight; and Charo
1: Who in This House Has a Real Name?
Disparate people come together to make magic in the recording studio. No, it’s not Behind the Music with The Traveling Wilbury’s, it’s The Surreal Life. Charo is excited about the recording studio venue, but she soon falls into a pit of despair when she discovers that hapless New-Kid-on-the-Block Jordan has taken over all decision making. Experience has told him that music by democracy is demo-crazy. Dave regrets that Flav wasn’t chosen as producer of the record. This must be nice for Flav to hear after feeling so dissed last week by the unanimous no-confidence vote when he wanted to drive the RV. But why couldn’t Old-Lady-Practically-Gone-Around-the-Bend have been named producer? I feel her pain this episode. Not just her carpel tunnel pain, but her these-no-talent-eediots-have-taken-over-and-this-is-gonna-a-suck pain.
Flav has higher hopes for this opus than is comfortable to watch. Dave is bored. Brigitte doesn’t give a hoot and flits around trying to have a good time, trying to help Ryan be more assertive instead of wallowing in her anguish over Jordan’s music, and trying to understand what Flavor Flav endures to get such a wacky pig-tail doo. Hilariously, she is later seen with wacky, Flavor Flav pig-tails in her hair. At least she’s trying to understand somebody, somewhere at sometime.
Nothing much happens but 20 minutes of griping with the rest of the crew; and so it’s jaw-dropping that such a non-event surreal task is to be stretched over two episodes. Coolia and I are literally arguing over who is more bored and annoyed each passing week.
Ryan ceaselessly complains about her career and how this surreal task will set it into an early tailspin (“It’s like American Idol all over again” and “It’s my LIFE” she wails). The lesson here is that sometimes when you try too hard to prevent yourself from looking like a jerk in a group activity, you can complain and create a big enough hissy-fit that you end up looking like a gigantic jerk instead of simply a little one. It’s a fine line: artistic integrity vs. lighten up. This is why I’m a writer, I suppose…to avoid the turmoil of such compromise. On a recording with a flamenco guitarist, a pop singer, a rap musician, an actor, a tabloid princess, and a self-purported rock-chick, someone will have to compromise. And karma demands this lesson will go to the one who struggles with it the most.
I actually enjoyed Brigitte in this episode. She didn't seem at all crazy, and her efforts to endear herself to Flav after playin' him in the casino episode were cute. Ryan should have listened to Brigitte. I haven't seen Ryan once make an effort to get to know her housemates. Surely, Charo could teach her about being a musician as well as a sideshow, a lesson Ryan needs since she emerged from the American Idol circus and now wants to rock out with integrity. Flav could teach her about music that means something. And Jordan could teach her about stage presence, how to handle obsessive fandom, etc. She's really put herself into a box with the rock thing and refuses to realize she could stretch herself in other genres - yes, even in godforsaken pop.
By the way, whatever happened to the house puppy? Did he die of boredom?
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