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Celebrity Zoo: Commentary on
The Surreal Life
, Season 3

Starring: Brigitte Nielsen; Flavor Flav; Ryan Starr; Dave Coulier; Jordan Knight; and Charo

Episode 1: Who in This House Has a Real Name?
Episode 2: The Love That Dare Not Speak Its Name; And If It Could, You Wouldn't Be Able to Understand It
Episode 3: And the Band Played Ball of Confusion
Episode 4: Quiet, Please...There's a Shih Tzu on Stage
Episode 5: Surf's Up, But Flav is Down
Episode 6: Discordant Recording Session
Episode 7: Discordant Recording Session - The Denouement
Episodes 8-10: The Final Episodes

Episode 4: 9/26/04

Coolia’s Notes

This episode was dullsville again. The roommates roadtripped to San Diego in a Winnebago to see Charo perform at a casino. At least Charo got a chance to shine and show she is famous for more that just stowing away on The Love Boat. Nerdia and I saw Charo's show in Vegas and were very impressed by her guitar skills, and fortunately they did show some footage of her guitar playing as well as her usual coochie coochie act. Brigitte and Ryan lose major points for showing up 45 minutes late for Charo's show. They must have missed two-thirds of it! Ryan blamed it on being on a gambling hot streak and Brigitte had no excuse. Dave expressed his opinion that they were being rude, but I wish we could have heard Charo's feelings on this snub. Jordan was hardly noticeable again, though I did get irritated when he chose to sleep in the Winnebago by himself rather than share a bed with Flav. Jordan, like Garbo, wants to be alone. He and Brigitte seem to be sleeping through large portions of the days, probably hoping to get their tour of duty over as quickly as possible. Flav was pretty inoffensive in this episode, and I felt sorry for him when Brigitte tramped around on him with one of Charo's dancers. I also felt momentarily sorry for Ryan when Brigitte brought the guy back to the room they were sharing and proceeded to try to get him into their bed. But, overall, Ryan was completely repellent in this episode. I've been trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, as I thought she was decent on American Idol and I tend to feel sympathetic to the reality tv stars that are thrown into the house with the lost-their-grip-on-reality stars. Allow me to list off her offenses on this episode:

  1. Leaves group meeting about planning the roadtrip while others are in mid-conversation.
  2. Upon entering the Winnebago, sighs and says it reminds her of being on tour, with a jaded tone. Honey, that American Idol tour may very well be the only one you'll ever get to go on.
  3. Shows up 45 minutes late for Charo's show and expresses no remorse.
  4. Lies to hotel staff, claiming she will perform if they give her a room, then refuses to get up and sing one lousy song because she hasn't had a chance to practice with the musicians.

Ryan is a beast. I can't find anything redeemable about her at this point - or much that's redeemable about this show.


Nerdia’s Notes

I'm almost too exhausted right now to drum up any energy required to even be bored by this week's episode. Who is this guy from Charo's act who romps with Brigitte? Will Charo fire him? We hope so. Why didn't Flavor Flav make useful with his little viking hat and ram some sense into Brigitte and Tiny-Charo-Dancer? Why is Dave trying to talk etiquette with this crew? He sounds like Dear Abby kvetching at a brothel: they don't care and he sounds ridiculous. Jordan: "so exactly what would you say you do here?" Ryan. Ryan. Ryan. So very unspecial. So little clue.

Ape Culture Weekly Ranking (from least to most annoying)


Nerdia's Rankings

  1. Charo - for being this season's aging talent that the housemates are suddenly surprised by - like MC Hammer season 1 and Tammy Faye season 2.
  2. Dave - if it weren't for Dave, Flav would have gambled all his "Fight the Power" money away.
  3. Flav - poor Flav. But what were you thinking? Brigitte isn't looking for a "forever home".
  4. Jordan - I sincerely hope thousands of late twenty-something hearts are unbreaking even as we speak.
  5. Ryan - Ryan and Brigitte are actually tied for last in my rankings. Ryan was annoyingly self-centered but unsurprisingly so.
  6. Brigitte - edges out Ryan barely for last place for dumping Flav like a hot potato, for thinking she could outrun the Surreal Life crew, and for tormenting Ryan with her boy toy.

Coolia's Rankings

  1. Charo - this episode showcased her talents: she has some - who knew?!?
  2. Dave - drove safely and conserved money in the casino
  3. Flav - relatively quiet, garnered sympathy due to behind kicked to the curb by "loose" Brigitte
  4. Jordan - barely there, but annoyingly chooses to isolate himself again even if to do so he must sleep in the Winnebago
  5. Brigitte - was late for Charo's show, acted like a ho
  6. Ryan - was late for Charo's show due to gambling hot streak, reneged on the deal she made with the casino to perform, just plain unlikable

What would Miss Manners say about Flavor Flav's use of haberdashery during flamenco guitar performances?

Read Ape Culture's commentary on Surreal Life Season 1
Read Ape Culture's commentary on Surreal Life Season 2


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