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Celebrity Zoo: Commentary on
The Surreal Life
, Season 3

Starring: Brigitte Nielsen; Flavor Flav; Ryan Starr; Dave Coulier; Jordan Knight; and Charo

Episode 1: Who in This House Has a Real Name?
Episode 2: The Love That Dare Not Speak Its Name; And If It Could, You Wouldn't Be Able to Understand It
Episode 3: And the Band Played Ball of Confusion
Episode 4: Quiet, Please...There's a Shih Tzu on Stage
Episode 5: Surf's Up, But Flav is Down
Episode 6: Discordant Recording Session
Episode 7: Discordant Recording Session - The Denouement
Episodes 8-10: The Final Episodes

Episode 5: 10/03/04

Nerdia's Notes

Jordan complains about being made to sleep in the RV. He must have kid-star amnesia because he forgets he insisted on sleeping in the RV the night before so as to not have to sleep with other homo sapiens. He pretends to be a Vegas housekeeper, complete with high-pitched, Latino accent. Many Latino housekeepers are standing along the hall. What a dope, they must be thinking. And they have a point.

After much melodrama over the fact that The Surreal Life gang refuses to let Flavor Flav drive the RV, he pouts all day at the beach ("Flav is mad at the world today") while the other housemates are pressured into learning to surf by two very nonsensical, new age guru surf champs...who are as cute as buttons; therefore, they receive much ogling and attention from both Ryan (but didn't she think boys were "nasty"?) and Brigitte, which sends Flav into a deeper moody tailspin. Flav complains incessantly about his surreal friends and Brigitte in particular. At one point, he throws up his hands and exclaims, "She's just loose!"

Eventually, new ageism wears down Dave, Ryan, Brigitte and Flav, who chastises himself by saying "Curb your attitude, Flav. Get off your butt and into the water." Words to live by. The surf gurus show inspiring persistence with Flav and win him over finally with talk of a harmonious convergence between surfers and rappers. Flav wins a Surreal Life surfboard for what seems to be essentially "best improved" surfer.

As the show wraps up, an episode of roasting marshmallows fails to bring the group any closer together, unlike the camping adventures faced by the celebrities in Season 1. And if burnt and gooey marshmallows can't bring people together, you wonder what can.

Coolia’s Notes

Although there were a couple of fights in this episode, it still wasn't remotely interesting. I couldn't figure out why Flav was so upset about the group refusing to let him drive, when he had volunteered information to Brigitte about having his license suspended 67 times. He played himself. I couldn't figure out why Charo thought that surfing would make her carpal tunnel syndrome flare up, rendering her unable to strum her guitar. I think either she just didn't want to get her top knot wet or she knew her large breasts would make it hard for her to balance on the board. I couldn't figure out why Jordan wouldn't surf. Don't the celebs sign contracts agreeing to play along with the hijinks? Did he not want the wetsuit to expose his flabbiness. I couldn't figure out why I was still watching.

Ape Culture Weekly Ranking (from least to most annoying)


Nerdia's Rankings

  1. Dave - Again, the only adult. Again, the only good sport about spontaneous, Surreal Life adventures. And yet still very boring and unfunny.
  2. Brigitte - I know...I ask myself the same thing. What third circle of hell have we come to? She was the voice of reason this episode. And she didn't take a single nap that we could tell.
  3. Flavor Flav - Wrong about Brigitte. Wrong about his driving temper tantrum; but just a big kid and you wanna hug him. Can be remarkably, innocently brilliant.
  4. Ryan - Still a clueless annoying waste of a character slot; but at least she surfed. I gotta give her that.
  5. Charo - Carpel tunnel, hmm, I guess I buy it. But I would have preferred she sat out the day on the beach due to Chronic Fatigue.
  6. Jordan - I resent being forced to waste words on you.

Coolia's Rankings

  1. Dave - He's at number one, just for peacefully existing. But what happened to the funny faces from Full House? Some humor sure would help things along.
  2. Brigitte - She plays along. I hate to admit it but I'm starting to admire the way she goes after what she wants and doesn't care much about what people will think.
  3. Ryan - Still annoying but she gets points for getting in the water
  4. Flav - Overreacted during the RV driving fight, like a big baby with a big clock
  5. Charo - Carpal tunnel?? She's barely in these episodes, seems to be off in her own world.
  6. Jordan - Not only didn't he surf, he didn't even come up with a lame excuse like Charo did. Good for nothing.

Can surfing lead to carpal tunnel syndrome? Discuss.

Read Ape Culture's commentary on Surreal Life Season 1
Read Ape Culture's commentary on Surreal Life Season 2


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