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Celebrity Zoo: Commentary on
The Surreal Life
, Season 3

Starring: Brigitte Nielsen; Flavor Flav; Ryan Starr; Dave Coulier; Jordan Knight; and Charo

Episode 1: Who in This House Has a Real Name?
Episode 2: The Love That Dare Not Speak Its Name; And If It Could, You Wouldn't Be Able to Understand It
Episode 3: And the Band Played Ball of Confusion
Episode 4: Quiet, Please...There's a Shih Tzu on Stage
Episode 5: Surf's Up, But Flav is Down
Episode 6: Discordant Recording Session
Episode 7: Discordant Recording Session - The Denouement
Episodes 8-10: The Final Episodes

Episode 2 - 9/12/04

Nerdia’s Notes

As I was sitting in waiting room of the doctor's office this morning, I came across a quote that reminded me of Surreal Life this week:

'"Normally there is nothing we are more certain of than the feeling of our self, our own ego. It seems to us an independent unitary thing, sharply outlined against everything else,' except when love 'threatens to obliterate the boundaries between ego and object."'

Sigmund Freud as quoted by Alicia Suskin Ostriker in "Stealing the

I think this very much applies to the budding relationship between Flavor Flav and Brigitte Nielsen. However, on closer examination maybe it turns out to be the opposite. The egos of Flav and Gitte are not, in fact, softening due to their under-the-covers and in-the-water tête-à-têtes. More likely, they are simply cooperatively twisting an out-of-control self-love to appear like a kind of conventional attraction, all in order to expand their already gargantuan egos? The camera changes everything, Mr. Freud.

However, this bid for scandal and attention did not annoy me as much as Ryan annoyed me. Did she expect to get a decent night's sleep in the Surreal House? Didn't she see Tammy Faye's theatrical pillow flipping last season? Did Ryan expect polite and proper behavior from these desperate celebrities? Does she understand the career she covets? Ryan could choose to get to know her housemates better, whether she likes them or not. Instead, she chooses to invite her friend Halley over for a swim and then avoids confrontation with Brigitte and Flavor Flav. She, like Jordan, seem naively ignorant about what Surreal Life interaction entails and it's hard to feel sorry for them. Truthfully, there was bad behavior all around. Flav was too loud. Charo is incomprehensible. Jordan expresses lust for The Olsens and Ryan but then has a girlfriend pop up conveniently for Brigitte avoidance. Ouch! That should leave a mark.

Coolia’s Notes

I guess I should applaud Brigitte and Flav for at least making slightly interesting TV but the two of them are so irritating and the image of them gettin' busy is so repulsive, I think I'd rather watch 30 minutes of Jordan Knight napping. I'm having a hard time enjoying this Surreal Life 3. At least in the past two seasons I came in actually liking two of the celebrities (Vince Neil in Season 1 and Ron Jeremy in Season 2) so I had someone to cheer for from the outset. There were also immediate nice surprises, such as Hammer being kind and Tammy Faye being open-minded, that made for more interesting TV.

I won't be as hard on Ryan as Nerdia is. I think it was rude of Flav and Jordan to continue playing pool when people were trying to sleep. There are plenty of other things to do that are quieter - everyone knows pool balls crashing can be deafening. Ryan asked them nicely to stop and they refused.

I also don't blame her for not getting in the pool when Flav was feelin' on Brigitte's jugs. I mean, who wants to see that? Flav tried to turn it into "she doesnt want to swim with a black man" but really it was just that she didn't want to be a voyeur during the most explosive pool lovemaking scene since Showgirls.

I'm starting to wish Glen Campbell would just get out of rehab and move back into his house and kick all these has-beens out early.

Ape Culture Weekly Ranking (from least to most annoying)


Nerdia's Rankings

  1. Dave - challenged Brigitte on the whole European thing.
  2. Charo - incomprehensible and possibly crazy, but that's not saying much in this mix.
  3. Brigitte - every person below #2 is basically interchangeably dislikable.
  4. Flav
  5. Jordan
  6. Ryan - big baby.

Coolia's Rankings

  1. Dave - still just okay but that's enough
  2. Charo - she needs to stop making odd noises and start getting real
  3. Ryan - aloof but nice
  4. Jordan - aloof but not nice
  5. Brigitte - pushy, irritating, naked
  6. Flav - seems strung out, hard to understand

Christopher's Rankings

1. Charo - inoffensive
2. Dave
3. Brigitte
4. Ryan
5. Jordan
6. Flavor Flav



Are you bored yet?.

Read Ape Culture's commentary on Surreal Life Season 1
Read Ape Culture's commentary on Surreal Life Season 2


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