Celebrity Zoo: Commentary on
Starring: Brigitte Nielsen; Flavor Flav; Ryan Starr; Dave Coulier; Jordan Knight; and Charo
1: Who in This House Has a Real Name?
This episode was actually halfway entertaining. As has become Surreal Life tradition, the housemates were forced to put on a show. They were divided into pairs and ordered to rehearse songs. Charo and Ryan began practicing "Born to Be Wild," but Charo declared she didn't like the song and proceeded to write her own nonsensical song, while Ryan stared into space, perhaps wondering if she shouldn't have made the deal with Satan to try to get the whole fame and fortune thing. Dave and Brigitte lamented that they were paired up even though they are the only two non-musicians in the house. Jordan and Flavor Flav tackled "Play that Funky Music White Boy" with enthusiam.
After practicing for a while, the housemates got to choose some talented middle school kids as band members. The selection process was done gym-class-style, causing Nerdia and I to feel great sympathy for the chubby accordion-playing girl who was the last picked. Fortunately, Flav made her feel valued, and she later declared "I love Flavor Flav" with nearly the same passion that Brigitte had used when making that declaration last week.
Brigitte continued to behave like she is one step away from pulling an Anne-Heche- or Margot-Kidder-esque bout of craziness. Although she is in good shape, especially for her age, she insists on wearing unflattering clothes. She spent this episode in a high-cut one-piece swimsuit that exposed her ass and pouches of fat on her hips and thighs. The children had difficulty concentrating on their music with her walking around in the swimsuit. She then inexplicably left rehearsal to go take a nap.
Charo seemed almost autistic in this episode - unable to connect with Ryan or the kids, strumming her flamenco guitar to herself. Flavor Flav was a real stand out, charming and encouraging the kids and winning the battle of the bands. He even managed to coax a smile out of sullen Jordan. Who knows - Flav may emerge as this season's revelation, a la Tammy Faye.
Okay, this episode was marginally better than the previous ones for two reasons.
Firstly, because Coolia made me crack up at the suggestion that Charo looks like a shih tzu.
And secondly, because Flavor Flav pulled a rankings upset this week by showing, quite heart-warmingly, that former drug-addled, incoherent rappers who make out with crazy women in swimming pools have great appeal to nerdy kids from Los Angeles public schools. To be serious for a moment, accordion girl (Rosa) was experiencing a moment of Janis Ian's Seventeen ("and those whose names were never called/in choosing sides for basketball"), and Flav swooped in and encouraged her to groove with that thing ala Jack Black in School of Rock. Flav was all about having fun and he made those kids lunch! Brigitte called him "a deep-hearted guy." The scary thing is Brigitte sees this and Ryan doesn't. Which makes me think I'm absolutely crazy.
Ape Culture Weekly Ranking (from least to most annoying)
Coolia and Nerdia had unprecedented identical rankings this week:
1. Flavor Flav
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