Home | Blog | Advice | Books | Features | Food | Games & Quizzes | Holidays | Media Morph | Movies | Music | Poetry
Requiems | Store | Television | Travel | About Us | Archive


Web www.apeculture.com   


Yes, you play the Scarecrow which suits you because you are nimble, easily frightened, fluttery and prone to cause people to think that you have no brain. The rest of the cast is amazed at how sheltered you are and what you are clueless about…like who the President is, who James Dean is, who YOU are…

The Wiz doesn't make a big splash...movie musicals are a dying breed... so it's back to The Jacksons. You make the Destiny album…"Shake Your Body Down To The Ground" is a great success. You are hitting your musical peak with a catchy, complex groove that seems untouchable. But inside you, the turmoil is starting to manifest itself in strange ways. You have become fascinated with 'freaks' like The Elephant Man and self-made freaks like Howard Hughes. Stranger yet, you like these freaks because you say they remind you of you. You are crying out and no one is willing to do an intervention. You start to visit terminally ill children and make phone calls to your younger fans. They later claim that you tell them you are masturbating on the phone while you are speaking with them. Even more disturbing, you pen the song Muscles ("I want muscles…all over his body") for Diana Ross to record. Clearly you are screaming out I AM NOT HETEROSEXUAL.

In 1979 you begin what will be a series of nose jobs, allegedly to try to attain the petite sniffer of Diana Ross. You begin to work on your classic solo album, Off The Wall. You plagiarize yourself. "Don’t Stop Til You Get Enough" IS "Shake Your Body Down To The Ground". Hey, if you are willing to plagiarize yourself… do you have any qualms about plagiarizing anyone else? We shall soon see.

You are still doing door to door proselytizing for the Jehovah's Witnesses, but since you are so recognizable now, you have to dress like a Muslim woman when you go.

Nose job #2.

You befriend Steven Speilberg because you love his movies and you are in an actively insane attempt to relive the childhood you never had. In fact, your relived childhood has lasted longer than everybody elses real childhood. No matter. Speilberg picks up on what is really your fear of growing-up and plans to cast you as Peter Pan in his upcoming movie, Hook. Right now he is having trouble snaring the movie rights to the story. He lets you do an ET narration in the meantime. You help Rebbie with her single "Centipede" and work with Paul McCartney on "Say Say Say" for his album (Linda McCartney is again at Paul’s hip in the video while your sister, Latoya, plays your significant other…ick, more crying out!) in exchange for Paul doing "The Girl Is Mine" on your upcoming album Thriller.

While sitting around in the video trailer, talking about chicks, does Paul teach you:

How to swindle other artists out of their earnings by buying the copyrights to their catalogs?

Or how to write bland, uninteresting pop blather unacceptable for a talent of your stature?

Back to the Beginning of the Story


Ape Culture and all associated pages are
ŠApe Culture 1998-2007 and evermore.

Click here to learn about
the Ape editors' book

Check out the Ape Blog for the latest Ape Culture News and Reviews

Amazon Honor System Click Here to Pay Learn More

Free Greeting Cards from Bravenet
Retrieving an Ape Card?
Enter Card Pick-up ID below: