YOUR MISSION, SHOULD YOU CHOOSE TO ACCEPT IT:
YOU ARE MICHAEL JACKSON!
You know… the self-consciously enigmatic gloved one. The old King o’ Pop, himself. Skinny, multi-nosed, quickly becoming the-white-as-ivory-snow one. We fondly refer to him as Wacko Jacko these days for his keen ability to weird us out with his hospital-esque face-masks, Band-Aid adornments, test-tube babies and alleged unions with little boys. But lest you forget, this kid once had it all together. When he was just a tad-pole pop-star, he danced like James Brown, sang like Otis Redding, and had the off-stage poise of … well, like nothing else. The show-biz world was his proverbial oyster. Where did it all go wrong? Find out in this exciting installment of Celebrity Adventures: Mission MJ!
You probably think you can do a better job living Michael’s life than Michael has. Hell, it would seem anybody could. Yes, you’re probably thinking, "Hey, it doesn’t take a well-adjusted, non-child star to avoid the plenitude of blunders in Michael Jackson’s life!" But we warned! You may fall victim to the same sicko temptations Michael has? And if you think that a quickie marriage to the son of Elvis can fix any unmanageable mess YOU make, well.... you can just think again, dope-head. Marrying into the Presley family has never solved anybody’s problems. Elvis, even a dead Elvis, can’t fix the heap ‘o dysfunction that is YOU. That was the last hint you will be given. Deal with it.
Everything I learned about Michael Jackson I learned from the book, Michael Jackson, An Unauthorized Biography by Chris Anderson, Simon and Schuster, 1994 and from snippets of news-wire reports on Mr. Showbiz web-search... oh…and from my vast powers at observing his royal oddness.
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