HOW TO BUY-OUT THE LIFE OF A FELLOW ARTIST IN 3 EASY STEPS
While eating Linda McCartney’s veggie-dinners in your trailer, Paul tells you how he buys-up catalogs of pop-standards and gets paid every time the songs get used in any way. He's become pretty rich this way, thank you very much. Meanwhile, you are still very bitter about losing the Jackson 5 catalog to Berry Gordy and so you decide to take it out on the remaining Beatles who are in turn taking it out on other schmucks. When the Beatle catalog comes up for auction, you outbid Paul himself and, for a nominal fee of 47.5 million, you own all their songs. You grant every possible request from corporations wanting to bastardize their sacred tunes in commercials for tennis shoes and hamburgers. The Beatles hate you and their fans hate you but you are making their money so who cares.
Joe has lost all of his money so you buy the family house from him. You add a wing and buy a zoo full of animals (llamas, a goat, a giraffe, deer, peacocks).
Thriller is released to unprecedented success. "Beat It" is a smash. Eddie Van Halen plays the rough-and-tumble guitar solo. "Billie Jean" is supposedly half-based on the story of Paul Abdul when she was an LA Laker Girl frolicking with Jackie behind the back of his then wife Enid. Adbul allegedly was having the affair with Jackie and subsequently was said to have had an abortion as a result ("But the kid is not his son"). You liked Enid. You hate Paula. You think Paula is trying to steal your dance moves in her act. Years from now you will be über-pissed when Janet hires Paula to choreograph one of her videos.
But anyway, Billie Jean is such a smash, it paves the way for black artists on music television and sets the standard for artistry in music videos. Everyone in the universe owns this record and every other song is a top ten hit. Thriller becomes the best-selling album of all time. The world should be your oyster.
But alas, you are 25 years old and you still live at home. Your bedroom is plastered with Peter Pan and other Disney posters. You have no friends. You show up at events with Webster’s Emmanuel Lewis, give him an expensive friendship bracelet, check into hotels with him as father and son until his mother gets freaked-out by all this and severs your relationship.
You start to work on the "Thriller" video and your co-star is a cute, available chick. You are the most eligible bachelor in the free-world especially after your suave Moonwalk on the Motown 25th Anniversary Special (a Soul Train dancer taught you how). Fred Astaire even called you up and told you that you were "quite a mover." Did you call up all your friends and gloat? No, you don't have any friends. You threw up, instead. But Thriller-chick doesn't care. She is willing to deflower you anyway.
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