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What can I tell you? It's a bad idea to tell Cher her public will abandon her if she leaves you. A little Stay-Puff-Marshmallow- headed of you, if you ask me. She leaves you like a car rolling over a tumbleweed. She leaves you and your sad little solo show goes bust. Meanwhile, her TV specials do better than yours. Her records do better than yours. She doesn't need your help anymore and it kinda smarts, huh? In a few years, you reunite for another variety series but her marriage to Greg Allman steals the show. She goes on to Academy Awards, fashion mayhem, and useless goods and hair products.

Your guest spots on Fantasy Island and The Love Boat are adequately self-deprecating but you give up on showbiz and open up a restaurant on Melrose Avenue. It's 1983. You divorce your third wife, marry a 22-year-old student, get dianeticized and vote Republican in '84. After credibility-building parts in Troll and Hairspray, you run for mayor of Palm Springs. The night before the election, Cher wins the Academy Award after a year of critically acclaimed movie roles. Has your Cher talisman come through for you again?

Call it kismet and run for U.S. Congress.

Retire and cook.
This is your last chance.

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