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Ape Culture Cares About Celebrities on Hard Times

By Mary E. Ladd

Lately Ape Culture has been besieged by letters, if three makes a besiegement, physically threatening us due to a critical celebrity adventure we published regarding one Michael Jackson. "Leave him alone, " they beseeched. To which I have to reply, "Oh, we’ll leave him alone, all right. As soon as he stops trying to sell us a bill of goods, we’ll leave him alone!"

(And I meant it.)

Our stand at Ape Culture toward Mr. Jackson is actually one of complete concern and caring, as this article will forthwith prove. I am convinced the problem of Michael Jackson needs more attention, not less. Here is a man in trouble. And the manufacturers of that man must not only take credit for the trouble, but do something about it.

Which is why Ape Culture is proposing a European recall on Michael Jackson. If you find Michael Jackson anywhere in Europe, send him back to the United States. We can’t refund your money but we will make repairs on the product and send him back as good as he was when he was 10. You may have to put up with a Janet or Latoya replacement model for a short period of time; but don’t worry. Michael will be back on the market again before you know it.

You see, in America, we have recently recognized a trend among our more obscurity-challenged exports. These include, among others, Farrah Fawcett, Elizabeth Taylor, and Mariah Carey. The basic defect is that they have an all too quick propensity to freak out, go nutty, pop an eyeball or two. Before now, we've had no American facility to handle this type of malady for the overly-celebrated individual, no equivalent to a Betty Ford Center, as it were. Thus, through the common sense and great ingenuity of a group of obscure little people, we hereby unveil:

The Oompa Loompa Clinic for Celebrities Suddenly Gone Wack

Celebrities can be assured that these Oompa Loompas have an unprecedented access to the latest youth-stall drugs, such as the Everlasting Gobstopper, which does indeed stop gobs in a very everlasting manner. The main areas of care at the Oompa Loompa Clinic include: Exhaustion, Dehydration, Chronic Fatigue and General Wackitude. But this is by no means preclusive.

Oompa Qualifications:

The Loompas are highly qualified to deal with outrage and ego in potent and often deadly combinations. After all, they did leave their homeland of Loompaland to escape fierce beasts, to which many celebrities can relate, if "beast" means ugliness, uncoolness, shack-poverty and a dastardly malady called normalcy. In fact, "running from the past" is a Loompa-specialty. The medical library at this clinic boasts a wealth of information on the Wang Doodle who used to eat 10 Oompa Loompas for breakfast, which brings us to another celebrity foible: bulimia. Other beasts of interest: Horn Swagglers (Alcoholism); Swash Manglers (Emotional Scars); and Rotten Vermicious Kinids (Celebrities with Children who Commit Crimes).

Here is a sample of their ground-breaking work:

for Exhaustion:

Oompa loompa dipity-doo
I’ve got the perfect remedy for you
Oompa loompa dipity-dee
If you are famous, you should listen to me

What do you get when you collapse with exhaustion
Silly on pills, happy juice or just high on life
Staying up late at parties with George Hamilton
What do you think will come of that?
But irksome nervous tension?

Oompa loompa dipity-da
Get some rest and you will go far
You will live in tranquillity too
Like the Oompa Loompa dipity-do!

for Dehydration:

Oompa loompa dipity-doo
I’ve got the perfect quick-fix for you
Oompa loompa dipity-dee
If you are oft lauded, you should listen to me

Not drinking water is fine when it’s once in a while
You don’t have to pee so much and you save on your Mountain Springs bill
But skip on the stuff and your new plastic nose will dry up
You’ll be forced to give a press conference
Which is harder for us to swallow

Oompa loompa dipity-da
Drink something, stupid, and you will go far
You will live in serenity too
Like the Oompa Loompa dipity-do!

for Chronic Fatigue:

Oompa loompa dipity-doo
I’ve got the perfect cure-all for you
Oompa loompa dipity-dee
If you are over-exalted, you should listen to me

What is it really when you have Epstein-Barr?
A mysterious disease only celebrities get
Is it malnutrition, decongestion that makes you suddenly pooped
Or a manifestation of depression?

Oompa loompa dipity-da
Find a reason to live and work and you will go far
You will live in lucidity too
Like the Oompa Loompa dipity-do!

for Sudden Episodes of Insanity:

Oompa loompa dipity-doo
I’ve got the perfect salvation for you
Oompa loompa dipity-dee
If you are treated Godlike, you should listen to me

Why do celebrities go so suddenly wack?
An onslaught comes on like a big heart attack
Next thing you know they’ll be sleeping with Elephant Men
And growing out their finger nails!

Oompa loompa dipity-da
Stop freaking out and you will go far
You will live with sanity too
Like the Oompa Loompa dipity-do!

Oompa loompa dipity-da
If you’re not completely wack, constantly collapsing, mysteriously ill or thirsty
you will go far
You will live in happiness too
Like the Oompa –
the Oompa Loompa dipity-do!

Crazy Michael Jackson fans, please leave your comments on the Michael Jackson Hate-mail page. Thank you. And because we know you have many hatemails to write, you might want to use our mad-as-hell lib, the automatic michael jackson fan hatemail generator.


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