Can this cast top last year's lovable
menagerie? Ape Culture will judge by convening a focus group
to review and provide commentary on The Surreal Life (airing
Sundays on the WB).
Episode 2: Tuna Melts and Meltdowns with Gary Coleman
Christopher- Traci’s boobs are so fake. Gasp of horror at Ron Jeremy sleeping in the nude. Erik calls Vanilla
"Johnny Rocket” because when he goes off, he’s like a
rocket. Nerdia – Why is the pantry off limits? Are
they worried the celebrities have sticky fingers? Britt – Isn’t Traci going to her other job
today again? Coolia – Maybe the gig is over. Erik recognizes Gary Coleman’s shadow through the front door.
Gary Coleman comes to interview the celebrities for the day’s job
at Mel’s Diner in LA. Britt - Erik and Gary probably know each other. They
were famous at the same time.
Coolia - Rob has no right to be irritated by Gary ’s presence. They
are the same C-level of punchline celebrity. Gary interviews them all very seriously. During Ron Jeremy’s
interview he shows off his fancy waitering skills. Nerdia – Wow, I am always impressed by Ron. He
has many talents. Gary appoints Erik busboy because he has the biggest muscles. Coolia – Vanilla looks pissed like he thinks he
has bigger muscles than Erik. Christopher – Look at those boobs! (Traci’s
waitering outfit is very low cut.) Britt – They couldn’t look any faker if they
tried. Nerdia – We know Gary Coleman has a temper from
that security guard incident. This is a recipe for disaster. Coolia – Tammy should be calling him Rob, not Ice.
He asked to be called Rob and she should respect that. Nerdia – Simple as a pimple. Maybe Tammy’s
never had a pimple. But with all that makeup…she probably has. Coolia – I think Ron is too dirty to be handling
food. Britt – I think people would be freaked out if
they knew a porn star was handling their food. Coolia – Traci is going to get good tips with those
boobs. Vanilla Ice picks up Gary Coleman as if Gary were a little kid. Gary
looks very annoyed. Coolia – That’s offensive. Nerdia – He’s offensive on so many levels.
Who is going to work the hardest? Coolia – Trichelle. Britt – Erik. Coolia – Erik is taking it the most seriously.
He’s wearing his uniform properly with shirt tucked in, hat on straight.
Tammy is stressed out about waiting tables. Ron is impressed with himself
for his cooking. Christopher - He’s like a fucking walrus! Those
big jowls! Coolia – He’s eating up all the profits! Vanilla Ice picks up Gary again and says he reminds him of his 6 year
old. Coolia – But he’s not your 6 year old. He’s
35. Ice is a big bully. I’m surprised Traci is actually doing work. Britt – I think Traci is going to move up in the
rankings. Christopher – It’s unanimous that Gary is
being too much of a hard ass. Gleam effect on Erik's smile causes group laughter. Coolia – Is it supposed to be a coincidence that
Todd Bridges shows up? Britt – He’s the one that hates his childhood
image, but he wants Gary to do “what chu talking ‘bout, Willis?” Erik points out to Ice that Gary feels the same way about his past
as Ice does. Britt – Yeah, Erik is the man! However, Ice has a thick head and doesn’t get it. Erik may as
well be talking in Spanish. Britt – I heard Gary was 4’9. He seems shorter
than that. The celebrities are shuttled home in the Surreal Life van. Ron is
tuckered out and sleeping. Britt – He’s in a food coma. After they get home, they gather in the Surreal Living Room and talk
about the ordeal of having to do menial labor. Tammy thinks it's good
for the stars to walk a mile in someone else moccasins and is glad for
the experience. Nerdia – Good attitude for Tammy. Traci appears to be hyper, karate-kicking all her roommates. Coolia – Traci seems to think she is auditioning
for Kill Bill. Ron and Traci flirt and roll around on the bed. Ron complains about
the perils of fighting with girls. Coolia – Look at that, she’s got her hand
on his chest. The next morning, Erik is up while it’s still dark out. Coolia – He’s a go getter. The celebrities are forced into brownie making – the boys pretend
to be helpless, feigning ignorance about domestic duties while the girls
bake. They take the brownies door-to-door to the neighborhood. The first
neighbor invites them in, sees Tammy and asks if he should repent. The
he sees Ron and asks if they want to make a movie in there, instead. Ron
asks “do you have a nice bedroom?” The second neighbor isn’t
so friendly. Neighbor – “I don’t have any time for
celebrities!" Coolia - That is such an LA response. It reminds me of
my coworkers complaining when paparazzi clog the street outside our building
because J Lo is visiting her manager. His office is in the same building
as my office. Group expression of horror when Traci declares that if she were not
engaged, she would engage in something with her male housemates. Rob is
still overreacting to neighbor rejection. Didn’t want to be humiliated.
Feels there is too much of a cheese factor involved in Gary Coleman being
on the show. Coolia – The whole show is a cheese factor. Erik counsels Rob/Ice about the perils of fame and getting over your
past. Coolia - Erik is so wise. Nerdia – He’s the MC Hammer of Season 2. One of the girls reminds Ron/Ice that all of the Surreal Life roommates
have been on top of the biz at one time or another. Ron Jeremy estimates,
“I’ve been on top, bottom, sideways” The room laughs. Coolia – I’m glad Rob is expressing his feelings
better but I can’t sympathize. I can sympathize more with Gary Coleman
who isn’t a jerk. Britt – Right, because he’s like 4 feet tall. Coolia – And he has a disease. Nerdia – And he’s a former child star and
we know they all have problems. Besides, Rob expects too much from Surreal
Life. Basically Vanilla Ice is so stupid he’s falling into
the trap he wanted to avoid. By trying to run so far from an asinine image,
he comes off like an ass. It’s the David
Cassidy principle. Christopher - The network wants them to look like asses. The celebs are asked to imitate each other at dinner. They seem to
be having fun doing it. Rob and Erik kid each other. Traci gets drunk
(we guess) in honor of Trishelle. The room laughs when Surreal Life gives
Rob the famous Erik Estrada twinkling smile. Coolia – That tooth gleam always gets a laugh. Traci chases Vanilla Ice around the house. He seems to be enjoying
it. Nerdia – Ice has a double standard. Judging Traci
earlier (declaring if he were her fiancée, he would dump her) but
would probably be happy enough to screw her. Traci runs around the house looking very manic. Britt – I wonder if Traci took something –
that seems like more than booze. Coolia - She's just high on Surreal Life.
Ape Culture Weekly Ranking (from
least to most annoying)
1/18/04 - Episode 2
Erik - he was really good at the restaurant, seems level-headed
Ron - still funny
Tammy Faye - tries hard, good sport
Trishelle - inoffensive
Traci - liked her more until the drunken episode at the end
Gary - he didn't do anything to make himself look better. They
all agreed he was being a bad manager
Rob - waaaay down
Erik - the only who could talk some sense into Rob, and who
wore his diner uniform properly
Ron - so funny
Traci - no diva behavior this time, more fun
Rob - pathetic, appalling, dreadful and many other Simon
Cowell epithets spring to mind
Erik - just a sweetheart, seems most normal
Tammy Faye - coming across as being nice
Ron - a decent soul considering
Trishelle - despite her alcoholism
Traci - falls because of breaking glasses, running around too
Rob - ass, needs a lot of therapy
Erik - charming, hardworking, heart in the right place, sage
words for ice
Traci - I want to see Traci's boobs, too. Maybe she just drank
too much because she was supposed to be impersonating Trishelle.
Rob - so angry
Traci - wild woman, even more than Trishelle.
the fake boobs are her biggest strike!
Ron - doing a great job in many ways. I hope
he nails Traci or Trishelle or both.
Trishelle - I'm still giving her cuteness points
and props from last episode
Rob - total psycho, but at least he's interesting.
I like how he flirted with Traci. He looked like me in junior
Tammy Faye - liked her better last episode. She
may be too dull down the stretch.
Erik - nice, normal and boring
Vanilla Ice's complete detachment from reality - only hinted
at when he defaced his portraits in Episode 1 - is exhibited in full force
in this Episode. I was horrified to see how he bullied and belittled Gary
Coleman, picking him up, trying to get him to say "what you talkin'
'bout, Willis?" to Todd Bridges. It was stunning to see him fail
to realize that he was treating Gary just the way he doesn't want the
WB to treat him. Then he has the nerve to say he wouldn't have done the
show with Hammer because Hammer is too "cheesy." Hello, Rob...I
think Hammer had a few more hits than you did, pal. He also looked better
in harem pants. More importantly, Hammer became a more fully realized
human in the years since he fell from stardom. Rob has yet to self-actualize.
It is my hope that the cooler heads of Ron, Tammy Faye, and Erik can help
him heal before the season ends - but I wouldn't bet on it. Either that,
or maybe the aliens will come take him away.
I agree 100% about Vanilla Ice. He came across as a self-absorbed,
hypocritical asshole. A has-been who cannot deal and tries to wax poetic
about how the evil image-making machine ruined his life. But incredibly
as if it has only ever happened to him and nobody else in the whole big
wide world. Only Vanilla Ice has been victimized by fame. Only Vanilla
Ice has been trapped by an overblown image. What a putz. I miss Corey
Feldman sometimes, I really do. Tammy Faye was highly ineffectual as a
waitress but at least she tried and copped to her shortcomings. And she
verbalized the value of their experience. Traci even did the time with
a smile on her face and a sense of fun, as did Trishelle. Traci would
have moved up farther in the rankings this week after her dismal showing
last week had she not become a blithering drunken idiot after dinner.
Ron was funny as usual, level headed and rolled with the setback of not
being able to mingle with Mel's Diner customers and show off his waitering
flair. No one seems to hold his sleeping-naked walrus-ness against him.
Erik, as the rankings show, was flawless in this episode, cleaning toilets
with a tooth-sparkling charm. He babysat a customer's kid and counseled
two celebrities in crisis. Oh dear, I fear I am falling under his spell!
Which cast member is aggravating your soul? Who would
you like to see kicked off and who would you replace them with? Please