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Bob Dole, Pepsi Pervert:
A Critical Analysis

By Max Burbank



Short version: A Pepsi employee has her back to the camera. She turns, revealing herself to be Britney Spears. She takes off most of her clothes and dances suggestively while singing about Pepsi. Fireworks explode.

Long Version: The short version is seen on TV by various people, mostly male, who appear to be hypnotized by it. As the fireworks explode, we see Bob Dole watching the ad with his Dog.



The ad, which premiered during the Oscars, plays on many levels, if by many you mean pretty much just one. In general, the American Male population, and in particular Bob Dole, want to have sex with Britney Spears and drinking Pepsi legitimizes if not the sex itself, at least the desire to have said sex.

In their Superbowl ad, Pepsico already skillfully drew an association in the public mind between Pepsi and Viagra by having Dole refer to Pepsi as the "Little blue friend" that makes him "Feel like a kid again." Viagra is blue. So is a can of Pepsi. Ergo Pepsi is presented as a cure for erectile dysfunction and a restorative for the sex drive.

At the end of the Oscars spot, the former senator is seen in a darkened room with his Dog intently watching Ms. Spears gyrate suggestively (if by suggestive you mean miming the sex act) on television. The dog Barks. "Easy, boy" says Bob. There are four possible interpretations of this moment:

  1. Britney is frolicking. Dogs like it when people frolic. The Dog wants to frolic.
  2. The Dog has become sexually aroused by Britney. Bob is telling the dog that while this arousal is understandable, it's not going to lead anywhere.
  3. Bob is not speaking to the Dog. He is speaking to his Viagra/Pepsi invigorated penis.
  4. Bob and the dog are bonding over their shared knowledge of the fact that while they both want to have sex with Britney, in all probability they never will.

Where is Liddy? Does she know what Bob and the dog are watching? Why are the lights out? These are all solid indicators that what is happening here is wrong. Pepsi washes away the sin, making Britney's sex play good, clean fun, and our shameful, closeted lust to commit adultery with a teenage hotty innocent and amusing. Drink Pepsi and stop feeling guilty.

It's interesting to note that I had to visit the web site for the ad in order to get Dole's line right. I had misremembered it as "Down, boy".



Coca Cola must respond. Their recent approach has been simple, i.e. 'everybody likes Coke, an extension of the idea that Coke is 'the real thing', ergo Pepsi is a copy. Pepsi has countered by targeting the pervert market while subtly insinuating that we are all perverts, we can't change ourselves and we need Pepsi to make our abnormality normal.

Coca Cola will move in one of two directions.

Scenario one: The same, but moreso Strom Thurmond drains a frosty bottle, stating "This cuca cola makes me deziauh oral cop-uh-LATION with them Olsen twins!"

Scenario two: Coca Cola offers more powerful redemption. Puff Daddy guns down several people at a club when they 'dis' him. The police arrive. Puffy buys them cokes. Puffy, police, a robed judge and some sexy reporters dance and sing about coke.

Add your deconstruction here.


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