This
is what Mary Ladd had to say when
asked about her dog Helga’s recent trot into the political ring
of California politics. "Anyone who has ever met Helga", says
Ladd, "knows she has a lot to say." During this special election,
Helga will have to contend with a veritable smorgasbord of California
gubernatorial candidates.
So Why Helga? Why now?
Obviously qualifications are not a determining factor. Neither is intelligence
or experience or ability to speak coherent English. "Within these
parameters," Helga says, "who better to run willy nilly through
the doggie doors of the Governor’s mansion but me."
Helga is heads and tails above the
menagerie of other candidates!
Helga is running against a total of 135 other candidates. Here is an overview
of how she measures up to her major competitors:
Helga challenges her fellow candidates to a debate.
Democrats:
Larry Flynt, publisher of Hustler magazine –
Helga has put her money where her mouth is and has been appearing nude
in public for over ten years. Until Larry Flynt follows suit, he's nothing
but a smut-peddling hypocrite.
Green Party:
Peter Camejo, 2002 Green Party candidate for governor
– Helga’s far superior olfactory senses give her an infinitely
better knowledge of all things green, more so than any other candidate
on the ballot. She can tell you anything you want to know about grass
and dirt. She has sniffed it all in her lifetime.
Independent:
Arianna Huffington, columnist – although,
like Arianna, Helga didn’t pay income taxes last year, this was
because she earned no actual income. Furthermore, Helga would send her
puppies to public obedience classes if she hadn’t been spayed
at 6 months of age. Helga fully supports public obedience training and
taxes.
Republicans:
Arnold Schwarzenegger, actor – Helga is
in much better shape at age 105 than Schwarzenegger will be at that
age; Also, her campaign speeches make more sense.
Tom McClintock, state senator; Bill Simon, businessman;
Peter Ueberroth, former baseball commissioner – Helga’s
motto toward all Republicans: "Get the dogs of society out of Sacramento
and the dogs of the working man in."
Miscellaneous:
Mathilda Spak, 100-year-old woman – At 15, Helga
has Mathilda easily beat by over five years (dog years, that is).
Background
of Our Candidate
Helga, a centenarian mix breed, was born in St. Charles, Missouri, and
has lived in many states during her lifetime, including Missouri, Massachusetts,
New York, Pennsylvania and California. From a young age, Helga has always
maintained the courage of her convictions. When she was 6 months old,
she ate her owner Mary’s fake ID, even then demonstrating her fierce
commitment to the law. Since puppyhood, Helga has been a longtime house-frau,
couch-side political pundit, and former Ape
Culture couture model. The pressures of modeling unfortunately led
to a short-lived eating disorder. In 1998, Helga began an aggressive campaign
to rid the Yonkers, NY
area around her house of door-to-door salesmen, mailmen and other loiterers.
Her efforts didn't go unnoticed. Her "loud-mouth tactics" eventually
led Yonkers authorities to rid the neighborhood of illegal tenants. It
was around this time that Helga and her owner Mary were forced to move
westward.
Helga detractors, such as Helga’s roommate Julie
Wiskirchen, have already begun to sling mud. Wiskirchen recently said,
"No one will vote for a candidate who barks that much. People like
silent candidates like Schwarzenegger." Helga’s rebuttal included
calling Wiskirchen a "corn chip miser."
Unlike Schwarzenegger, Helga has offered to accept all
interviews and questions about the financial woes of her adopted state
of California, although her experience in fiscal matters has been limited
to watching her accountant-owner Mary add up vet bills.
Many may consider Helga a one-issue candidate because she
is running solely on the Save Dog Beach
platform. But Helga has lately adopted a firm no rollover policy, especially
when it comes to many special interests -- those interests being her owner's
interest in getting her to roll over.
Helga is a Democrat and will only accept rides in American-made
cars. Helga fully supports the working-dog owners of America. Because
she's a pack animal, she supports unions of all kinds. More about Helga's
history can be found on her
web page.
Helga’s
Fine Gubernatorial Qualifications:
Is good at catching stuff.
Doesn’t give in to sycophants or flattery. Will
not pander to petting. Prefers not to be petted at all.
Is aggressive. Readily stands her ground and refuses
to back down when cornered…can be very ornery in fact.
Has always been a good listener…although at 15,
she is almost deaf. Can read lips.
Is unpredictable, no pawn of special interest groups
or lobbyists.
Supports alternative energy sources and animal rights.
Is a member of AARP
and fully committed to the issues of senior citizens.
Is nobody’s bitch.
Although the deadline for making the official ballot has
passed, Helga hopes to triumph as a write-in candidate in October. She
will be making appearances at various Los Angeles dog parks, but please
do not approach her. She’s highly excitable and doesn’t readily
suffer fools. For more information on the Helga for Governor
campaign, contact Helga’s campaign advisor, Christopher Brisson,
at apemail@apeculture.com. For a campaign contribution of $10, you will
get a free Ape Culture T-shirt and a Helga for Governor
or I Like Helga button.
To
order a button, tshirt or make a campaign contribution, click
here.
This
is what 
Background
of Our Candidate
Helga’s
Fine Gubernatorial Qualifications:
To
order a button, tshirt or make a campaign contribution, 
