1. When I think of William Shatner,
a. Think of Captain Kirk
b. Think of the original "Star Trek"
c. Push my tummy out as far as I can and say, "But, Ssssss…
d. Hold all the muscles in my face totally still so no one can tell
what I’m thinking. This is private to me, do you understand?
I won’t have you blabbing to him and ruining my chances of
becoming his best friend.
2. William Shatner is a _____________ to me.
a. Role Model
b. Father figure
c. Paunchy: has been recovering poorly from a series of ill advised
d. That question is so totally inadequate it just shows how little
you understand Him.
3. William Shatner is to Captain Kirk as:
a. An Actor is to a Role
b. Patrick Stewart is to Jean Luc Picard
c. Adam West is to a lifetime of leads in regional dinner theater
d. I don’t understand this question.
4. T.J.Hooker was:
a. Another TV hero played by William Shatner.
b. Only palatable if you’d be willing to sit through a totally
unnecessary root canal just to see Heather Locklear in a police
c. Described by Nostradamus as the herald of global annihilation.
d. Not a part of the William Shatner canon! It never happened, do
you understand? When forced to confront its existence I have to
bite the inside of my mouth raw and smash myself in the temple hard
enough to make the bad thought go!
5. If Someone says Picard could take Kirk in a fight,
a. Tell them it would depend on who wrote the script.
c. Argue relentlessly until all chances of a mature relationship
with a woman are gone forever.
d. Clench my teeth and contract my abdominal muscles so hard the
cords on my neck vibrate, my face turns dark purple, my protruding
eyeballs begin to darken with burst vessels and a film of pink foam
coats my lips while making an "EEEeeeeeee EEEeeeeeeee"
sound kind of softly.
6. That crack Shatner made on "Saturday Night
Live" about his fans needing to ‘get a life’ was:
a. Just plain funny
b. A long time ago, and obviously a joke.
c. Not nearly so funny as those rare occasions when Lorne Michaels
appears in a sketch as himself. They should do that more often.
d. An immense, festering wound, twisting like a serpent around with
my overwhelming love until I can no longer separate agony and ecstasy;
Burning me, hurtling me toward our destiny.
7. Those priceline.com ads are:
a. Evidence of the evolution of one actor’s
b. Proof that Shatner understands the comic potential of his iconic
c. Confusing and upsetting.
d. A blinding, white light beckoning me.
8. ____________ must pay the price for his willful
c. Salman Rushdie
d. I’d been going on the assumption we had a shared interest
here, but I’m suddenly feeling a little uncomfortable, like
maybe you’re making fun of me. I wouldn’t underestimate
just what a bad thing that would be.
9. When Captain Kirk died in "Star Trek; Generations,"
a. Saw it as the passing of a torch.
b. Understood it was the kind of death he’d have wanted.
c. Had some sort of seizure.
d. Spent the next 48 consecutive hours covering the walls and ceiling
of my room at the YMCA with a giant collage using images of Paramount
executives, war atrocities, industrial accidents and meat packing
plants, then lay naked on the floor in the fetal position until
an Angel of the Lord came and gave me my mission.
10. I would shift my attentions to Stephen
a. William Shatner said "I… ORDER you.
b. Steven King lived in the world’s only fall out shelter
and there was a nuclear war going on.
c. I re-read "Cujo"
d. You know, that’s not such a bad idea. I’ve read all
his books and he is the best writer ever. Plus I imagine he’s
still pretty lamed up so he’s easier to corner.