Ape Culture - Jason Henninger's Celebrity Vignettes

Jason Henninger's Celebrity Vignettes

By Jason Henninger

I'M A LITTLE MORRISSEY
a nursery rhyme

I am the little teapot
The shortest and the stoutest
Stoutest and most gruesome
Lonely little bloody teapot

Here is my handle, oh I haven't any spout
Haven't spouted in years
Oh it's dreadful
It's dreadful
(there's a club if you'd like to go,
you could meet somebody
who is a coffeepot)
I can't help but get all steamed up,
Ah ha hoo ah ha, ha ha ooo a ha

It's dreadful, it's bloody awful,
Somebody, tip me over,
It's over, I know,
Don't blame me

CIRCUS BOOTY
a true story

On the way to work, I heard a couple of young women
talking. One said to the other, "Cameron Diaz has a
circus booty."

Now I ask you, is this some urban colloquialism that
has passed me by? Or are you as confused as I am?

After careful consideration, these are the possible
explanations I've come up with:

#1 Cameron Diaz has a booty that honks when you
squeeze it.

#2 She can throw peanuts with it.

#3 It's striped, pointed and moves around the country
supporting the Shriners.

#4 You can fit a bunch of it in a very small car.

#5 I'm frightened by the idea, but perhaps an acrobat
gets shot out of it, or even worse, you can train it
with a whip and a chair so you can stick your head in
without risking your life.

Maybe I misheard? Maybe Cameron Diaz has a circuitous
booty? A zirconium booty?

I don't know. I'm pretty sure it was a circus booty.
Better than a state fair booty, at least. Maybe she
was discussing African politics? "Cameroon decides on
Djibouti" or "Camera dials have a certain beauty"....

Well, I'm going to use this new term whenever
appropriate. "James Earl Jones has a circus booty!"
Sounds good. Gotta be careful not to use it
incorrectly, like, "Cher has a total big top ass." or
"Baby's Got Cirque Du Soleil"

Leave your pop poems here or any comments on Cameron's booty.

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