YOUR MISSION, SHOULD YOU CHOOSE TO ACCEPT IT:
YOU ARE ROD STEWART!
This is your story. Many may call you Rod, the Bod but I prefer to think of you as Rod, the Rod because it simply makes more sense. You're as thin as a rod and you have the brain-patterns of your typical witching rod. You aim for money. You aim for sex. And you admit it. Nothing particularly wrong with this, except that it makes you about as simple and interesting as as your average-joe rod. Think about it. What is a rod? What does it do? It's rigid. It holds things up. It basically has one standard purpose, but nobody knows what it is. Much like you. You're everywhere but no one can quite figure out what the hell you're good for.
I would say you might experience many perilous adventures as Rod Stewart but it's not bloody likely. Life is pretty easy for the run-of-the-mill Rod Stewart wannabe. Indigenous to the local pub and generally a zealous mating partner, your perils will mostly involve money and women and losing your grip on both. You may become rich. You may bed lots of leggy blondes, but if you don't be careful, your life may become a big joke to punk rockers and generation Xers everywhere. And although you say you don't give a whit about this today, you may may find that someday soon (very soon, if my 'Do You Think He's Sexy' polling data is accurate) all the new leggy blondes will BE leggy blonde generation Xers and leggy blonde punk rockers. And they don't think you're sexy Rod. You can turn your monolithic libido around or you can become a museum artifact. I do know a few women in Yonkers who still think you're sexy, if it comes to that. Hey...it's up to you.
This adventure was brought to you by M. E. Ladd.
Everything I learned about Rod Stewart I learned from the book Vagabond Heart by Geoffrey Diuliano and True Britt by Britt Ekland and from watching Rachel Hunter on Howard Stern's E! show. Everything I learned about feminism I learned from watching Rod Stewart videos.
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